evocation | ⚡ hadriel

[ Wash's nightmares have been worse since the Null, and he isn't really sure why. They're not all about the Null and it's not like that's the only reminder he's had lately of other beings in his head. Maybe he's just stressed that it'll happen again, that they haven't found a way to prevent it yet, and it's just manifesting in more bad dreams? But tonight's not an exception. It's a bad one. He went to sleep with Kyna in his arms and wakes up tangled in the sheet, breathless and panicked. There's no real sense of "nighttime" anymore with the double suns, but he hopes he didn't scream and wake a neighbor.

Kyna's peering at him worriedly and he scrubs at his face, feeling sick and guilty. He needs to stop doing this to her. ]

Sorry.

It's okay.

[Kyna's still not fully awake, but she's gotten used to this. It's become automatic to scoot close to him again, wrapping an arm around him and resting her head on his chest. She thinks it helps, usually, or at least helps him to calm down, even if it doesn't help him sleep uninterrupted. She can hear his heart pounding a mile a minute, and so she tightens her grip.]

Do you want to talk about it?

[ No, he doesn't. But... he'd said he'd make the effort, right? Since Lance thought that it'd help and something had to give here. He sighs, trying to even his breathing out. ]

I said I would. [ His hand settles on Kyna's arm, a little shaky. ] I'd gone home. Back to the fight I left, except the Null followed me. I don't know why, but I guess a dream doesn't need a reason. I didn't even know until they took over.

[The downside to this plan of Lance's is that Kyna doesn't necessarily know what to say to help Wash. Maybe just listening is the entire point?]

Do you dream about the Null a lot?

I guess I do these days. I didn't actually see any of them in the dream, just felt it. And then I had to watch myself kill Carolina.

[ He's seen her die a million times a million ways but rarely by his own hand. Of course she hadn't known he'd come back to the fight possessed, so there'd been betrayal in her eyes. Wash wonders if it's anything like the expression the Meta saw when he threw her off the cliff. ]

If they did make it to my world, they could take over basically everyone...

God, Wash, I'm sorry.

[They've never talked about this in detail before, so she wasn't sure what to expect. No wonder he wakes up the way he does.]

There's no way they'd make it to your world.

You don't know that. They said they had a way to send us home, why can't they use it themselves?

[She bites her lip, considering that.]

Do you really think they'd want to? Why?

...I guess there's no reason to think they'd want to, no.

[ He's just sorta used to aliens calling for the extermination of humanity. And these aliens are trying to exterminate another species that don't seem to be doing anything to them. ]

But do we know why the Null hate the gods so much? They call them parasites, sure, but what did they ever do to the Null? If it's just ideological bullshit, I wouldn't put it past them to decide our kinds need to go too.

I guess.

[She's never considered that.]

Maybe the gods did do something to them. Maybe they're just not telling us because we wouldn't want to help them.

I don't trust either side, honestly. But maybe next time the gods make an announcement I should ask and see what they have to say.

They'd probably just lie to you.

[But maybe it's worth a shot. Kyna props herself up on one elbow, reaches up to smooth down the short hair at his temples in gentle, repetitive motions until she works out what she wants to say. She's still not sure it'll come out right.]

Do you ever think you... You know... drive yourself kind of nuts worrying?

Hm. Probably. But even a lie could give us some more information.

[ And then Kyna's petting his hair again, and that feels nice. Wash closes his eyes and just enjoys it for a moment until she speaks again. ]

...it's not really something I can stop?

[She considers that, still petting his hair, mouth twisting as she struggles for a response.]

Yeah, but... I don't know. You put a lot of pressure on yourself about... everything.

[ That's... true. But Wash honestly doesn't know what she expects him to do about it. ]

How am I supposed to change that?

Be nicer to yourself?

[Maybe that's easier said than done. She leans down to kiss him, her voice softening when she continues.]

You're not a screw up, you know?

[And sometimes he certainly talks about himself like he is.]

[ Except he often is. He tries really hard not to be, but he's not particularly good at anything besides fighting. Not with people, for certain.

'Be nicer to yourself' is pretty vague, as well. ]

How?

You could just... give yourself more of a break. Stop beating yourself up for everything.

[ Yeah, he looks kind of bewildered by this proposition. How??? ]

[She frowns at him, trailing her fingers down to his jaw.]

Why are you looking at me like that?

[ Wash just shrugs. Maybe this is just something normal people know how to do? ]

...I'll try.

[It feels like they're just missing each other here, though she's not sure how, and she certainly doesn't know how to bridge the gap.]

Okay.

[Maybe she should just try again.]

You know you're a good person, right?

[ Oh. That's... not something Wash believes. Maybe that's just part of being too hard on himself, though? Knowing all the shitty things he's done and being the one in his own head all the time, dealing with all the pain and anger. The impulses he's constantly curbing, that have always been there. He can't blame everything in his life on the war, or Freelancer. He just breathes for a moment. ]

I try, Kyna. I really do. But that's not all there is to it.

[Maybe it's just impossible for Wash to see himself the way she does.]

What else is there?

I'm pretty sure good people don't have the responses to things that I do. I can control my behavior, but not that. Not the shit I feel.

the night before she disappears for her update

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