⚡ hadriel - ic inbox

[evocation]

This is Kyna. You should just text me if you actually want me to answer.

Comments

[hardwearing]

Hm. Probably. But even a lie could give us some more information.

[ And then Kyna's petting his hair again, and that feels nice. Wash closes his eyes and just enjoys it for a moment until she speaks again. ]

...it's not really something I can stop?

[evocation]

[She considers that, still petting his hair, mouth twisting as she struggles for a response.]

Yeah, but... I don't know. You put a lot of pressure on yourself about... everything.

[hardwearing]

[ That's... true. But Wash honestly doesn't know what she expects him to do about it. ]

How am I supposed to change that?

[evocation]

Be nicer to yourself?

[Maybe that's easier said than done. She leans down to kiss him, her voice softening when she continues.]

You're not a screw up, you know?

[And sometimes he certainly talks about himself like he is.]

[hardwearing]

[ Except he often is. He tries really hard not to be, but he's not particularly good at anything besides fighting. Not with people, for certain.

'Be nicer to yourself' is pretty vague, as well. ]

How?

[evocation]

You could just... give yourself more of a break. Stop beating yourself up for everything.

[hardwearing]

[ Yeah, he looks kind of bewildered by this proposition. How??? ]

[evocation]

[She frowns at him, trailing her fingers down to his jaw.]

Why are you looking at me like that?

[hardwearing]

[ Wash just shrugs. Maybe this is just something normal people know how to do? ]

...I'll try.

[evocation]

[It feels like they're just missing each other here, though she's not sure how, and she certainly doesn't know how to bridge the gap.]

Okay.

[Maybe she should just try again.]

You know you're a good person, right?

[hardwearing]

[ Oh. That's... not something Wash believes. Maybe that's just part of being too hard on himself, though? Knowing all the shitty things he's done and being the one in his own head all the time, dealing with all the pain and anger. The impulses he's constantly curbing, that have always been there. He can't blame everything in his life on the war, or Freelancer. He just breathes for a moment. ]

I try, Kyna. I really do. But that's not all there is to it.

[evocation]

[Maybe it's just impossible for Wash to see himself the way she does.]

What else is there?

[hardwearing]

I'm pretty sure good people don't have the responses to things that I do. I can control my behavior, but not that. Not the shit I feel.

[evocation]

What kind of shit do you feel?

[hardwearing]

[ Wash scrubs at his face, feeling even more tired all of a sudden. How to explain... ]

For as long as I can remember, I've been... angry. And violent. Not all the time, I don't think it's an attitude thing, but when something does piss me off it lingers. It's poisonous. And I've let it get the best of me too many times. I've hurt people who didn't deserve it. I don't think a good person would let that happen.

[evocation]

[She runs her hand through his hair again, considering that.]

Angry about what? Everything?

[hardwearing]

Well, no. I guess it's all been stuff that should make a person angry, I just don't process it appropriately. Or let go of it, usually.

[evocation]

Yeah, but... Jesus, Wash, I'd be pissed too if half the shit that you've been through happened to me. And you've been trying to be better, right? Like with Ephemera. That doesn't make you bad.

[hardwearing]

[ He closes his eyes and leans into Kyna's touch, wanting to believe her. But. ]

I have been better lately, but I've also been horrible. And I don't know if it'll ever balance out enough to say I'm "good" now. You say I should cut myself some slack, but I'm afraid that if I do I'll start slipping.

[evocation]

[Kyna's quiet for a moment, sliding her fingers through his hair.]

What if I don't let you slip?

[hardwearing]

It's not your responsibility, Kyna. It's on me to keep my shit together. What would you do, anyway?

[evocation]

I'm not saying I would babysit you, I just mean... I don't know. If you start being an asshole I'll call you out.

[hardwearing]

[ For reasons he doesn't completely understand, Wash smiles a little at that. ]

I hope you'd do that anyway.

[evocation]

[The smile's a bit of a relief.]

Well, yeah, duh. But you're not an asshole.

[hardwearing]

[ He lifts a hand to stroke his fingers down her cheek, wondering briefly if he deserves the faith she has in him. But whether she's right or not isn't something he's really willing to keep prodding at right now -- it's easier to just believe that she believes it. ]

How'd I get this lucky?