[ Oh. That's... not something Wash believes. Maybe that's just part of being too hard on himself, though? Knowing all the shitty things he's done and being the one in his own head all the time, dealing with all the pain and anger. The impulses he's constantly curbing, that have always been there. He can't blame everything in his life on the war, or Freelancer. He just breathes for a moment. ]
I try, Kyna. I really do. But that's not all there is to it.
[ Wash scrubs at his face, feeling even more tired all of a sudden. How to explain... ]
For as long as I can remember, I've been... angry. And violent. Not all the time, I don't think it's an attitude thing, but when something does piss me off it lingers. It's poisonous. And I've let it get the best of me too many times. I've hurt people who didn't deserve it. I don't think a good person would let that happen.
Yeah, but... Jesus, Wash, I'd be pissed too if half the shit that you've been through happened to me. And you've been trying to be better, right? Like with Ephemera. That doesn't make you bad.
[ He closes his eyes and leans into Kyna's touch, wanting to believe her. But. ]
I have been better lately, but I've also been horrible. And I don't know if it'll ever balance out enough to say I'm "good" now. You say I should cut myself some slack, but I'm afraid that if I do I'll start slipping.
[ He lifts a hand to stroke his fingers down her cheek, wondering briefly if he deserves the faith she has in him. But whether she's right or not isn't something he's really willing to keep prodding at right now -- it's easier to just believe that she believes it. ]
[Kyna bites her lip, trying to ignore the fact that she knows she's blushing. She has no idea what to say to that, so she leans down to kiss him instead.]
[ Well he's not gonna complain about her kissing him. He just shifts his grip a little, his other arm locking around her waist and holding her close even when the kiss breaks. ]
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'Be nicer to yourself' is pretty vague, as well. ]
How?
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Why are you looking at me like that?
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...I'll try.
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Okay.
[Maybe she should just try again.]
You know you're a good person, right?
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I try, Kyna. I really do. But that's not all there is to it.
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What else is there?
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For as long as I can remember, I've been... angry. And violent. Not all the time, I don't think it's an attitude thing, but when something does piss me off it lingers. It's poisonous. And I've let it get the best of me too many times. I've hurt people who didn't deserve it. I don't think a good person would let that happen.
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Angry about what? Everything?
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I have been better lately, but I've also been horrible. And I don't know if it'll ever balance out enough to say I'm "good" now. You say I should cut myself some slack, but I'm afraid that if I do I'll start slipping.
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What if I don't let you slip?
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I hope you'd do that anyway.
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Well, yeah, duh. But you're not an asshole.
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How'd I get this lucky?
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I mean it. Thank you.
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You don't have to thank me, you know.