uh i just told him i had a crush on him. he put me thru the fuckin ringer tho. lmfao. asked me like ninety questions before he told me he liked me back. god this feels so high school. tbh i was expecting to just drop it on him and have him awkwardly stumble over politely rejecting me for twenty minutes but obvs thats not what happened. anyway im gonna make him dinner tmrw. i think the plan rn is to just see how shit goes. neither of us knows wtf were doin. he thinks hes alone in that but ive got that schrodingers confidence. wtf do i kno abt dating?
[And he saw the Panna thing coming. He's been thinking about it too, of course. He's... pretty sure he's got his feelings sorted there. He wouldn't have dumped this on Michael if he didn't.]
after wed been here a couple months i figured it was time to move on. i dont want to be a downer here but theres a real chance well never get home k. even if we went back tmrw its been almost four months. thats longer than we were together in the first place. and she prob has nfi what happened to us. i doubt shes gonna wait around for me. i wouldnt. thats not healthy. so idk i miss her but shits changed. i dont want to spend my life banking on a longshot. plus uh. i mean we had fun and shit but in retrospect now that ive got some distance that relationship prob wouldnt have lasted.
hm its like. have u ever had a relationship w. someone where it was good for what it was at the time but ultimately it wasnt something that would work longterm? relationship as in friendship or w.e too. im glad panna and i were together bc it was good for both of us. i think anyway? idk her life. but it was something i needed ykno? something that wasnt uh james. and all the bs that came w. that part of my life. but beyond that? idt we wanted the same life. even if we had its not like it wouldve been much of a life for panna. im a blip on her radar. we just disagreed on some major shit ig.
shes an elf. ive got like what forty yrs left if im lucky? and idk. life shit. idt she wanted kids. come to think of it idk if michael wants kids either but that seems rude to ask immediately following hey i like u. and shit u noticed it before i did. when she was cool w. me killing that assassin? on the way to the con? she knew abt my urges and all that shit. she shouldnt have let me do that. not like its her fuckin job to babysit me. thats not what i mean. i mean she knew i didnt want to go down that road and she shouldve cared. idt i wouldve done it if shed spoken up. we had options. w.e i dont want to get into that particular shit rn. tldr she accepted me when i didnt think that would ever happen again but not caring abt it isnt the same as supporting. or understanding. i think it was just another thing to her. like i may as well have shamefully admitted that im more of a phillies fan than yankees and she was like well idgaf i dont like baseball. my point is that michael isnt like that. he gets it. its something we can work on together. thats not the only draw but its a big one. i think we might actually be good for each other. like longterm. not just rn.
lmao. ty k. i mean for her specifically. she was uh pretty elfy. which theres nothing wrong w. but im talkin in terms of her regard for other races w. shorter lifespans. see i dont think i do either? thats part of the problem. and what she says isnt always what i think she means. like she said she cared abt the kids we saved but then shipped them off to some bs gnome treehouse town. did jt tell u abt that? wtf sense does that make? yeah i want kids. or a kid. idk. idk if it will ever happen bc im edging in on forty and idt i should procreate but fuck id love to be a dad. if it doesnt happen bc shit doesnt work out or w.e then it doesnt happen but i wouldnt want to close that door forever just bc the person im w. is tepid on the prospect ykno?
i kno thats technically an option but cmon. theres no way id ever get approved. not w. my psych record. not when im working for some bs guild where the works unsteady and means i could be gone for days at a time. i shouldnt raise a kid by myself anyway. idk that i should even w. someone else. im prob being selfish but at least w. someone else they could maybe balance me out. thats a lot to ask of someone tho. fuck it. it doesnt matter rn anyway. thats not a thing here. plus i have hayden. o uh yeah apparently panna made some deal w. bell and poppips village and theyre gonna collectively take the kids in as a town. and the town is in the middle of some magical forest and is totally cut off from the rest of the world.
idk. jt said they were fine w. it but ime kids arent the best decision makers following traumatic shit like idk being kidnapped and tortured and almost used as sacrifices. when cps picked me up i didnt give a shit where they put me. shit was a whirlwind. even after id gotten used to the system its not like kids are really able to voice what they actually want. i couldve told u what i didnt want. or lame shit that i wanted that isnt a good thing to base major life decisions on. like i wanted a fam that wouldnt make me eat corn. or one w. a house in the woods so i could trap and kill shit. but if i had it my way i wouldve been an emancipated minor at nine and id live at nasa which i wouldve had moved to upstate new york bc florida is the pits. point is kids cant make those kind of decisions. great that they like it but of fucking course they like it. theyre not abt to be slaughtered. the gnomes will probably feed them and give them a place to sleep that isnt some fucking straw on the floor like a goddamn animal.
[Wow. That... is a lot to absorb. It takes her a moment to respond.]
you don't have to answer this if you don't want to. like if i'm being an asshole or whatever. when they took you away from your mom, were things still bad? you don't have to get detailed or anything, i just mean if we go home and we don't let panna send them to that village, would letting them go to a foster home be worse?
its impossible to say. everyones exp is diff. even within the same house sometimes? i was a problem child so sometimes id be in a fam w. other foster kids and everyone would be happy except me. i got black sheeped a lot but i also made that bed for myself. like fuckin the system shouldve been more equipped to deal w. that but i fucked shit up on purpose sometimes. idk. its a feedback loop. to answer ur q it was bad sometimes yeah. idt it was ever really good? if it was good i wouldve gotten adopted but i didnt so there u go. but it was a fuck of a lot better than bein w. my mom. if id have stayed w. her id either be dead or in prison by now. for the kids i think it would depend. hadrian would maybe be ok? hed age out in a year or two. u can put up w. anything for a year or two. hes a halforc so thatd be trouble sorry to say but theyd look for a special needs home for him. for all the kids prob since theyre older and were abused. illyana would be fine. shed get adopted like asap. julies the one id worry abt.
dw abt it. it was a long time ago. and like i said i was a nightmare as a kid. plenty of fams were nice enough and did give me a chance but they werent equipped to deal w. the shit i threw at them. taking me in permanently wouldve been a big fuckin ask. julie reminds me of me a lil bit. and tucker. neither of us got adopted. and shes what eleven? twelve? shes got some time yet and shes getting into the toughest years.
idk why people would sign up to take kids in if they aren't ready to deal with stuff like that. assholes. it sounds more like panna is just trying to get a problem out of the way or something.
a lot of them thought they were ready im sure. id get that spiel abt how theyd love to keep me but i need more care than they can give so its for the best or w.e. the constant shuffling blew but what was the alt? i prob wouldve ended up in an institution if fams hadnt been willing to take me in shortterm. idk i turned out ok all things considered. its fine. but uh yeah. to me it sounds like p thinks this is legit in the kids best interest bc hey a safe haven w. a lot of good influences who will love them. whats not to like? but kids need more than that. sheltering them from the world is gonna do them more harm than good. thats what im talkin abt. idt she can really see beyond that kind of shit. it looks like a good idea so y not? it bothers me.
it bothers me too. and she never tells us everything. idk if that's because she doesn't know certain shit or she just doesn't think we need to know. but she should care more when we're almost dying. and i don't get how she thinks a bunch of kids are going to be happy living there for what? the rest of their lives? wtf are they going to do if they decide to leave?
yeah. tbh k idk. abt her or abt the kids. we just need to get them out of there if we get back. as for panna this is what i mean when i say idt we wouldve lasted longterm. so shit that means im done w. kairos. if its even still a thing. i wouldnt be surprised if it tanked. that market seems prone to turnover.
idk. maybe go back to my pi shit. i like guildwork better but i dont want to start over w. some other shady org that is basically multilevel marketing but with life or death consequences. we were just gaining some traction w. kairos. or what barely passes for traction in this business anyway. point is i could do better. all of us could tbh. do u want to stay w. kairos? its ok if u do btw.
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how did you tell him and what did he say?
[There's a slight pause.]
and um
what about panna?
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he put me thru the fuckin ringer tho. lmfao. asked me like ninety questions before he told me he liked me back.
god this feels so high school.
tbh i was expecting to just drop it on him and have him awkwardly stumble over politely rejecting me for twenty minutes but obvs thats not what happened.
anyway im gonna make him dinner tmrw. i think the plan rn is to just see how shit goes. neither of us knows wtf were doin.
he thinks hes alone in that but ive got that schrodingers confidence. wtf do i kno abt dating?
[And he saw the Panna thing coming. He's been thinking about it too, of course. He's... pretty sure he's got his feelings sorted there. He wouldn't have dumped this on Michael if he didn't.]
after wed been here a couple months i figured it was time to move on.
i dont want to be a downer here but theres a real chance well never get home k. even if we went back tmrw its been almost four months. thats longer than we were together in the first place. and she prob has nfi what happened to us.
i doubt shes gonna wait around for me. i wouldnt. thats not healthy.
so idk i miss her but shits changed. i dont want to spend my life banking on a longshot.
plus uh. i mean we had fun and shit but in retrospect now that ive got some distance that relationship prob wouldnt have lasted.
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idk i'm trying not to think about being fucking stuck here forever.
why don't you think you would have lasted?
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relationship as in friendship or w.e too.
im glad panna and i were together bc it was good for both of us.
i think anyway? idk her life. but it was something i needed ykno? something that wasnt uh james. and all the bs that came w. that part of my life.
but beyond that? idt we wanted the same life. even if we had its not like it wouldve been much of a life for panna. im a blip on her radar.
we just disagreed on some major shit ig.
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and what shit did you disagree on?
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and idk. life shit. idt she wanted kids.
come to think of it idk if michael wants kids either but that seems rude to ask immediately following hey i like u.
and shit u noticed it before i did. when she was cool w. me killing that assassin? on the way to the con?
she knew abt my urges and all that shit. she shouldnt have let me do that.
not like its her fuckin job to babysit me. thats not what i mean. i mean she knew i didnt want to go down that road and she shouldve cared. idt i wouldve done it if shed spoken up. we had options.
w.e i dont want to get into that particular shit rn.
tldr she accepted me when i didnt think that would ever happen again but not caring abt it isnt the same as supporting.
or understanding. i think it was just another thing to her. like i may as well have shamefully admitted that im more of a phillies fan than yankees and she was like well idgaf i dont like baseball.
my point is that michael isnt like that. he gets it. its something we can work on together.
thats not the only draw but its a big one. i think we might actually be good for each other.
like longterm. not just rn.
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just because you're a human doesn't mean you're a blip on the radar.
and idk.
i don't know what panna cares about.
no offense.
you want kids?
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she was uh pretty elfy. which theres nothing wrong w. but im talkin in terms of her regard for other races w. shorter lifespans.
see i dont think i do either? thats part of the problem.
and what she says isnt always what i think she means. like she said she cared abt the kids we saved but then shipped them off to some bs gnome treehouse town. did jt tell u abt that?
wtf sense does that make?
yeah i want kids. or a kid. idk.
idk if it will ever happen bc im edging in on forty and idt i should procreate but fuck id love to be a dad.
if it doesnt happen bc shit doesnt work out or w.e then it doesnt happen but i wouldnt want to close that door forever just bc the person im w. is tepid on the prospect ykno?
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and you know you could just adopt a kid, right?
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theres no way id ever get approved. not w. my psych record. not when im working for some bs guild where the works unsteady and means i could be gone for days at a time.
i shouldnt raise a kid by myself anyway. idk that i should even w. someone else. im prob being selfish but at least w. someone else they could maybe balance me out.
thats a lot to ask of someone tho.
fuck it. it doesnt matter rn anyway. thats not a thing here. plus i have hayden.
o uh yeah apparently panna made some deal w. bell and poppips village and theyre gonna collectively take the kids in as a town.
and the town is in the middle of some magical forest and is totally cut off from the rest of the world.
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what about illyana and hadrian and julie? they're not fucking gnomes.
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when cps picked me up i didnt give a shit where they put me. shit was a whirlwind. even after id gotten used to the system its not like kids are really able to voice what they actually want.
i couldve told u what i didnt want. or lame shit that i wanted that isnt a good thing to base major life decisions on.
like i wanted a fam that wouldnt make me eat corn. or one w. a house in the woods so i could trap and kill shit.
but if i had it my way i wouldve been an emancipated minor at nine and id live at nasa which i wouldve had moved to upstate new york bc florida is the pits.
point is kids cant make those kind of decisions. great that they like it but of fucking course they like it. theyre not abt to be slaughtered. the gnomes will probably feed them and give them a place to sleep that isnt some fucking straw on the floor like a goddamn animal.
[Stop riling him up, Kyna!!]
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you don't have to answer this if you don't want to.
like if i'm being an asshole or whatever.
when they took you away from your mom, were things still bad?
you don't have to get detailed or anything, i just mean
if we go home and we don't let panna send them to that village, would letting them go to a foster home be worse?
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even within the same house sometimes? i was a problem child so sometimes id be in a fam w. other foster kids and everyone would be happy except me.
i got black sheeped a lot but i also made that bed for myself. like fuckin the system shouldve been more equipped to deal w. that but i fucked shit up on purpose sometimes.
idk. its a feedback loop.
to answer ur q it was bad sometimes yeah. idt it was ever really good? if it was good i wouldve gotten adopted but i didnt so there u go.
but it was a fuck of a lot better than bein w. my mom. if id have stayed w. her id either be dead or in prison by now.
for the kids i think it would depend. hadrian would maybe be ok? hed age out in a year or two. u can put up w. anything for a year or two.
hes a halforc so thatd be trouble sorry to say but theyd look for a special needs home for him. for all the kids prob since theyre older and were abused.
illyana would be fine. shed get adopted like asap.
julies the one id worry abt.
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i'm sorry.
someone should have given you a fucking chance anyway.
why are you worried about julie?
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and like i said i was a nightmare as a kid. plenty of fams were nice enough and did give me a chance but they werent equipped to deal w. the shit i threw at them.
taking me in permanently wouldve been a big fuckin ask.
julie reminds me of me a lil bit. and tucker. neither of us got adopted.
and shes what eleven? twelve? shes got some time yet and shes getting into the toughest years.
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assholes.
it sounds more like panna is just trying to get a problem out of the way or something.
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the constant shuffling blew but what was the alt? i prob wouldve ended up in an institution if fams hadnt been willing to take me in shortterm.
idk i turned out ok all things considered. its fine.
but uh yeah. to me it sounds like p thinks this is legit in the kids best interest bc hey a safe haven w.
a lot of good influences who will love them. whats not to like?
but kids need more than that. sheltering them from the world is gonna do them more harm than good.
thats what im talkin abt. idt she can really see beyond that kind of shit. it looks like a good idea so y not?
it bothers me.
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and she never tells us everything.
idk if that's because she doesn't know certain shit or she just doesn't think we need to know.
but she should care more when we're almost dying.
and i don't get how she thinks a bunch of kids are going to be happy living there for
what? the rest of their lives?
wtf are they going to do if they decide to leave?
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tbh k idk.
abt her or abt the kids.
we just need to get them out of there if we get back.
as for panna this is what i mean when i say idt we wouldve lasted longterm.
so shit that means im done w. kairos.
if its even still a thing. i wouldnt be surprised if it tanked. that market seems prone to turnover.
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you're quitting?
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i dont want to work w. my ex.
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i like guildwork better but i dont want to start over w. some other shady org that is basically multilevel marketing but with life or death consequences.
we were just gaining some traction w. kairos.
or what barely passes for traction in this business anyway.
point is i could do better.
all of us could tbh.
do u want to stay w. kairos? its ok if u do btw.
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i was kind of staying for you and tucker.
i mean i like doing what we do i just
it's shitty not knowing who we're doing it for or why.
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cw harlan's extremely gooey center
gross????
rude
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