Thought they'd be better. The UNSC--hnn. They were corrupt. They did awful things. Ordered us to do awful things. We made 'em pay for that, just a little.
[He shakes his head.]
CT led a mutiny. We followed. Killed our command. All the officers. Insurrection took us in after that.
[He doesn't mean to start yelling, but it happens anyway. It wasn't supposed to go like this. They were going to light shit on fire and maybe talk a little, do something fun for once. But it's gone wrong now and Ephemera feels his hands shaking. He forces them to unclench. Breathe, motherfucker. Breathe.]
Because their parents threw in with the Insurrection. Because they had armor. Because they were in the way. Don't you dare tell me they were innocent. They deserved what we did to them!
[Kyna's mouth twists, but miracle of miracles, for once she doesn't fire back. She's too tired to. Instead, she just waits for him to stop yelling, crossing her arms over her chest.]
[Breathe. Don't think about those kids - fucking brats, all of them - in their stolen armor, don't think about how their hands shook. Don't think about how CT talked them down, how he took his helmet off and spoke like no one was going to die. Don't think about how nearly all of them did, in the end.
Ephemera twists around and throws his helmet into the wreck of the bar, as hard as he can. Hears it bounce off something. Crash.]
They deserved it.
[He spits the words out, hands still shaking.]
They fucking deserved it!
[Because there'd been a moment there where he'd almost followed through. When he'd looked at those kids - hostile targets - and nearly pulled the trigger. Because there were orders. Because they were armored--
[She scrubs her hands over her face, letting out a frustrated sigh. It is awful. She knows why he's so upset, but she's sick of stumbling into new facets of this story that no one bothered to tell her. It's like she's constantly recalibrating.]
Are you done throwing shit or should I just leave?
[At least she's smart enough this time to know that escalating this to an actual fight would end with her ass kicked.]
Look, what they did was fucked, okay? But you came at me talking about how Wash killed Connie, and then I found out that wasn't true. And you acted like Wash was some bloodthirsty monster, and that's not true either, but you just... left out all the people you killed? I'm sick of you twisting shit, and I bet I'm not the only person you've pulled that with.
I'm not twisting anything! Freelancer killed Connie. They killed one of their own.
[He doesn't know who pulled the trigger. It doesn't matter. Washington didn't stop them. The Freelancers betrayed their own people and there's no getting around that.]
Wash didn't kill her. Tex did. You told me he didn't care, but he does. He said he didn't even know what the fuck was going on with her. She never told him and she wouldn't let him help. And you acted like he killed South for no reason, but she tried to kill him first, and then you just leave out the bullshit you did? Sorry if I'm not buying the poor put out martyr act.
[He's yelling again, not looking at Kyna. Staring hard at the burnt wreck of the table there, shaking. Trying not to imagine CT and the others looking back at him. They wouldn't have minded this place, no, they would have figured out how to make it work here. CT would have known how to explain this shit, how to spell it out so everyone understood. Kyna wouldn't have looked at CT like he was a fucking psychopath for putting those motherfuckers down like the monsters they were.
It hurts suddenly, a sharp pain in the base of his skull. It hurts and he misses CT so much. CT, Chica, all of them. Even Rodriguez, who was a bastard even before he started getting mean. He wants them back, wants them at his back, everything how it used to be. Except they're gone, they're dead, Freelancer did that.
Freelancer did that.]
You never betray your team. Never.
[His mouth tastes sour, like gunmetal. Ephemera swallows hard. Tries to be quieter, to talk like a fucking rational adult.]
Doesn't matter. They should've backed her up. She was one of them.
[Never betray your team, never let command corner any of them. Cover for them, fight for them, kill for them if you have to. But never betray your team. Never leave anyone behind.
Ephemera shivers. He doesn't feel so good. This was a mistake, talking about this shit, thinking that Kyna would understand. She's not a soldier, she's not part of his squad. He misstepped. Can't do that, no sir, can't do that.]
Wait, what? They were just supposed to follow her even though they didn't know what was going on? Maybe Tex was an asshole, but Wash said he never would have hurt her.
Did she care about what happened to any of them? It didn't even sound like they were close.
[Maybe this is some military thing she's not getting, but it doesn't make sense. If Tucker dipped out on her, yeah, sure, she'd follow him without question. If Morg did, she'd tell him to go fuck himself. She doesn't get this blanket blind loyalty.]
[They should have backed her no matter what. Ephemera shakes his head, pressing his gauntlet hard against his good eye. He wants to sit down suddenly. Which is stupid, it's fucked up, isn't right. None of this is going like he wanted it to. Connie should have lived, CT and the others should have made it out. Freelancer should have paid, should have burned like the officers--
[Out of nowhere, Ephemera goes down, and before Kyna can think better of it Kyna is closing the gap between them and kneeling beside him, one hand going to his shoulder. God, he's shaking like crazy. She doesn't bother to hide the concern on her face.]
[Kyna. It's Kyna and they were fighting, she didn't understand. Ephemera felt stupidly upset by that, though he doesn't know why. It's not like she was there. She doesn't owe him anything, least of all understanding.
Ephemera presses a hand against his good eye, shaking his head.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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How'd you join the Insurrection anyway?
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[He shakes his head.]
CT led a mutiny. We followed. Killed our command. All the officers. Insurrection took us in after that.
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Wait, what? You killed your officers?
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[Ephemera blinks, not sure why she's looking at him like that.]
They would've gotten away with it. Slap on the wrist. A fucking promotion. So we came for them. Somebody had to fucking pay.
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[He doesn't mean to start yelling, but it happens anyway. It wasn't supposed to go like this. They were going to light shit on fire and maybe talk a little, do something fun for once. But it's gone wrong now and Ephemera feels his hands shaking. He forces them to unclench. Breathe, motherfucker. Breathe.]
Because their parents threw in with the Insurrection. Because they had armor. Because they were in the way. Don't you dare tell me they were innocent. They deserved what we did to them!
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Ephemera twists around and throws his helmet into the wreck of the bar, as hard as he can. Hears it bounce off something. Crash.]
They deserved it.
[He spits the words out, hands still shaking.]
They fucking deserved it!
[Because there'd been a moment there where he'd almost followed through. When he'd looked at those kids - hostile targets - and nearly pulled the trigger. Because there were orders. Because they were armored--
Fucking children. No. Stop. Don't go there.]
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Are you done throwing shit or should I just leave?
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[She doesn't get--
Stop. Don't yell, don't act crazy. This was supposed to be nice. This was supposed to be a break from all the bullshit with the Null.
Ephemera tips his head back and counts to ten. Breathes.]
Yeah, I'm done.
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Look, what they did was fucked, okay? But you came at me talking about how Wash killed Connie, and then I found out that wasn't true. And you acted like Wash was some bloodthirsty monster, and that's not true either, but you just... left out all the people you killed? I'm sick of you twisting shit, and I bet I'm not the only person you've pulled that with.
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[He doesn't know who pulled the trigger. It doesn't matter. Washington didn't stop them. The Freelancers betrayed their own people and there's no getting around that.]
I never betrayed my family. Never.
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[He's yelling again, not looking at Kyna. Staring hard at the burnt wreck of the table there, shaking. Trying not to imagine CT and the others looking back at him. They wouldn't have minded this place, no, they would have figured out how to make it work here. CT would have known how to explain this shit, how to spell it out so everyone understood. Kyna wouldn't have looked at CT like he was a fucking psychopath for putting those motherfuckers down like the monsters they were.
It hurts suddenly, a sharp pain in the base of his skull. It hurts and he misses CT so much. CT, Chica, all of them. Even Rodriguez, who was a bastard even before he started getting mean. He wants them back, wants them at his back, everything how it used to be. Except they're gone, they're dead, Freelancer did that.
Freelancer did that.]
You never betray your team. Never.
[His mouth tastes sour, like gunmetal. Ephemera swallows hard. Tries to be quieter, to talk like a fucking rational adult.]
Never. They're everything...
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Yeah, well, it sounds like Connie didn't even give Wash a chance to actually pick sides to me. So much for not betraying your team.
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[Never betray your team, never let command corner any of them. Cover for them, fight for them, kill for them if you have to. But never betray your team. Never leave anyone behind.
Ephemera shivers. He doesn't feel so good. This was a mistake, talking about this shit, thinking that Kyna would understand. She's not a soldier, she's not part of his squad. He misstepped. Can't do that, no sir, can't do that.]
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[This time he twists, glaring at Kyna. She's not getting it.]
CT said we were gonna help her. You trust your team. You back...you back them. You back them.
[He doesn't feel well. Runs a hand through his hair, shakily.]
Always protect your team.
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[Maybe this is some military thing she's not getting, but it doesn't make sense. If Tucker dipped out on her, yeah, sure, she'd follow him without question. If Morg did, she'd tell him to go fuck himself. She doesn't get this blanket blind loyalty.]
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[They should have backed her no matter what. Ephemera shakes his head, pressing his gauntlet hard against his good eye. He wants to sit down suddenly. Which is stupid, it's fucked up, isn't right. None of this is going like he wanted it to. Connie should have lived, CT and the others should have made it out. Freelancer should have paid, should have burned like the officers--
The world goes fuzzy for a moment.
Ephemera blinks. He's on his knees. Shaking.
That happened. Okay.]
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Hey. Are you okay?
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Focus. Remember--
What?
Ephemera tips his head back. Breathes.
It takes him a while to come back enough to realize there's someone next to him.]
....what?
[He blinks. Tries to focus.]
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[She's repeating herself, but she needs the answer.]
Do you want me to... call someone or something?
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Ephemera presses a hand against his good eye, shaking his head.]
Fine. I'm fine. Just lost a minute.
[It's nothing. Absolutely nothing.]
I'm not wrong, about them. I'm not.
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[Kyna tries to reach for his hand, slowly and gently, an attempt to get his full attention. He's not exactly assuaging her concerns here.]
Should I call Drake?
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