[She's wondering why he can remember Hadriel now when he didn't back home. Maybe there's something there, but right now that probably isn't the point.]
of course it did it's a really uncomfortable experience to realize you didn't remember people you knew it's a really uncomfortable experience to be yanked out of whatever you were doing, sometimes mid-action, sometimes not knowing how things turned out
well it's kind of hard to really describe the nuance of "i've been kidnapped to so many worlds so many times and forgotten and remembered and REremembered so much that i'm stressing the hell out" to people who can't otherwise relate
so
not to be reductive about what you're feeling or anything but it's just not something a lot of people will understand until they experience it. i'm sorry you have.
[ He can't say "no." Outside of being patently untrue, it won't serve her in the long term to be fed a lie. It'll just make her think there's something wrong with her for not being able to cope as easily as she thinks she should.
It's not something he likes to admit to people, though. There's a serious vulnerability in not only acknowledging that you need help, but subsequently asking for it after the fact. Nate doesn't have to take the advice he gives, even if he knows he ought to do so. ]
i'm going to try to word this in a way that accurately reflects the experience, but i'm not super good at this so just keep that in mind
most of the time it's okay? you're doing other things, you get distracted, you have friends or places to visit or you forget because it kind of becomes normal, like background noise
but you're always sort of going to be reconciling lost time. which i know is a weird way to describe time you've actually experienced, but because it's not equivalent sometimes it doesn't feel real.
yeah, i do i know i'm lucky and a lot of people don't but things are kind of a mess at home right now so is it weird that this almost feels like a break?
a lot of the displaced people tend to treat this place as a vacation, which makes sense. to some extent it is for them. like a chance to play house or fight in a rebellion or stick it to the man. live a fantasy, knock some things off the bucket list.
for others, it's not. it might be the only thing that's left for them, and they'll be the ones living with the fallout or the consequences of the actions made by the people who get to eventually go home.
i'm not telling you this because i think you'll do things like that, just don't forget what you were doing before you came back here. that you've still got something.
i'm not, and i wouldn't i want to make this place better, not treat it like a bucket list
[He gave that little disclaimer there, but she wants to make it clear. Ian is her best friend here, maybe one of the best friends she's ever had, and she's always vividly aware that he has nothing worthwhile to go back to. Lance, too.]
i think a lot more of the displaced think like me than you're giving them credit for, you know?
[ Nate knows Kyna wouldn't be intentionally flippant, he's seen her trying, seen her on the network, but she asked him to clarify. There's a defensiveness he recognizes in her text, sticking up for people he's aware they both know, but some of them aren't so forthcoming with the status of their mortality - himself included.
It's not something Nate likes to share when it leads to questions about the how, the why, and he can't volunteer information without dragging Sam into it. It wouldn't be fair. ]
that's for them to make clear, not you.
regardless, i know you're a good person, and dealing with the feeling of being back while remembering everything is going to be hard. go easy on yourself.
so he's told me. i still have my hearing and i'd like to keep it that way so if i see him pulling one out i'll make sure to throw myself out of the nearest window
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i mean, you left that world to come here or whatever
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when we left hadriel we thought we'd go home, and i did for a few hours. still didn't remember hadriel there. then i woke up here.
so i get what you're going through.
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didn't it freak you out?
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it's a really uncomfortable experience to realize you didn't remember people you knew
it's a really uncomfortable experience to be yanked out of whatever you were doing, sometimes mid-action, sometimes not knowing how things turned out
there's a lot of conflict there
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kind of an understatement
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it's kind of hard to really describe the nuance of "i've been kidnapped to so many worlds so many times and forgotten and remembered and REremembered so much that i'm stressing the hell out" to people who can't otherwise relate
so
not to be reductive about what you're feeling or anything but it's just not something a lot of people will understand until they experience it. i'm sorry you have.
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do you still stress out?
or are you just
used to it?
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It's not something he likes to admit to people, though. There's a serious vulnerability in not only acknowledging that you need help, but subsequently asking for it after the fact. Nate doesn't have to take the advice he gives, even if he knows he ought to do so. ]
i'm going to try to word this in a way that accurately reflects the experience, but i'm not super good at this so just keep that in mind
most of the time it's okay? you're doing other things, you get distracted, you have friends or places to visit
or you forget because it kind of becomes normal, like background noise
but you're always sort of going to be reconciling lost time. which i know is a weird way to describe time you've actually experienced, but because it's not equivalent sometimes it doesn't feel real.
do you have something to go back to?
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i know i'm lucky and a lot of people don't
but things are kind of a mess at home right now so
is it weird that this almost feels like a break?
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it's not weird. just don't get too lost in it.
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for others, it's not. it might be the only thing that's left for them, and they'll be the ones living with the fallout or the consequences of the actions made by the people who get to eventually go home.
i'm not telling you this because i think you'll do things like that, just don't forget what you were doing before you came back here. that you've still got something.
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i want to make this place better, not treat it like a bucket list
[He gave that little disclaimer there, but she wants to make it clear. Ian is her best friend here, maybe one of the best friends she's ever had, and she's always vividly aware that he has nothing worthwhile to go back to. Lance, too.]
i think a lot more of the displaced think like me than you're giving them credit for, you know?
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It's not something Nate likes to share when it leads to questions about the how, the why, and he can't volunteer information without dragging Sam into it. It wouldn't be fair. ]
that's for them to make clear, not you.
regardless, i know you're a good person, and dealing with the feeling of being back while remembering everything is going to be hard. go easy on yourself.
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you think i'm a good person?
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nah we just
haven't talked much outside of work
so it's nice to hear i guess
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i also just assumed you lived in the inventory room and that work filled your every thought 24/7
[ That is. A joke. ]
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that and ian's stupid songs
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i've heard that death by red hot chili peppers is worse than drowning.
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i hate him
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