[ it's easier to show her than try to explain it. the memory is pretty easy to bring up: it's the first time he awakened Arsene. both him and Ryuji had been running through a Palace, lost on the first day of the new semester. the man with the yellow eyes, speedo and flaunty cape was their gym teacher.
despite where they are, Ren doesn't seem to know what's going on. then a voice reaches out to him on a flutter of a butterfly wing.
This is truly an unjust game. Your chances of winning are almost none. But if my voice is reaching you, there may yet be a possibility open to you ...
then comes the rush. the churn of his stomach, the pounding in his head. it's hard to keep his eyesight straight, even when he glares at Kamoshida. there's a combination of adrenaline and anxiety that push down the fear, and a memory that he knows very well. reaching out to try and help someone, and being taken away by the police, thrown in the backseat of a police car.
Was your previous decision a mistake then?
no. it wasn't. it wasn't—and he repeats that in his brain when the searing pain comes, when Arsene awakens from his own former doubtful thoughts through the shake of shackles and a wicked grin of full, demonic teeth. there's a mask that sticks to his face, as if it's part of the flesh. desperately he pulls at it, and with it, the reservations of how he views himself to all others in a toxic society. liquid drips down his cheeks and he doesn't care. instead, the release comes with a rush of power. it feels good. ]
[Kyna comes out of the memory with a sharp intake of breath, reeling a bit. God, that was a lot, and somehow not at all what she expected. She's never been shown a memory like that before, and that was a hell of a one to start with.]
[ it's intense, but it's definitely easier to understand as an experience than any words that he could put to it. even when Morgana explains it, it's not like the actual thing.
he takes a breath as he shifts his hand away, putting it to the back of his neck so he can roll his shoulders. ]
Yeah.
[ then he makes a motion that kinda ... signify Arsene's wings. ]
[ that's ... a good question. he never really thought much about it before. there were some passing exerts here and there that talked about Arsene the gentleman thief, but he had only paid half attention. ]
Because I'm a thief.
[ good as any explanation, right?? ]
He became Satanael later. Personas evolve when you do.
[ there's a pause when he realizes that he should probably expand on that. at that time, he had no other choice: evolve or die, break free or let everyone down, in his eyes, he couldn't not. it was everything up until that point, including his connections to all the people who had helped him despite his situation.
it takes him a moment to word it properly. ]
... Other people I knew gave me that power, they believed in me. If I didn't, the God of Control would've remade the world how he wanted. It was then or never.
[Kyna bites her lip, quiet for a moment, just studying him. She can't imagine how terrifying that must have been, for all his talk of rebellion and changing things for the better. Even if you believe in something, all that pressure must be overwhelming.]
[It makes her heart twist. She doesn't know how she's managed to fall in with so many people that make her feel so cared for and so irreplaceable, but she's not used to it. Ren is especially good at it in an easy, matter-of-fact way that never overwhelms her. He's sweet.
She reaches for his hand again, squeezing tight, affection and fading surprise mingling.]
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[ he slips his hands from hers for a moment, and then offers it. ]
Here. I can show you something.
[ that might make this make sense. ]
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Okay.
[She takes his hand.]
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despite where they are, Ren doesn't seem to know what's going on. then a voice reaches out to him on a flutter of a butterfly wing.
This is truly an unjust game. Your chances of winning are almost none. But if my voice is reaching you, there may yet be a possibility open to you ...
then comes the rush. the churn of his stomach, the pounding in his head. it's hard to keep his eyesight straight, even when he glares at Kamoshida. there's a combination of adrenaline and anxiety that push down the fear, and a memory that he knows very well. reaching out to try and help someone, and being taken away by the police, thrown in the backseat of a police car.
Was your previous decision a mistake then?
no. it wasn't. it wasn't—and he repeats that in his brain when the searing pain comes, when Arsene awakens from his own former doubtful thoughts through the shake of shackles and a wicked grin of full, demonic teeth. there's a mask that sticks to his face, as if it's part of the flesh. desperately he pulls at it, and with it, the reservations of how he views himself to all others in a toxic society. liquid drips down his cheeks and he doesn't care. instead, the release comes with a rush of power. it feels good. ]
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Holy shit. It's like... an actual thing.
[Manifestation, she means. Very eloquent.]
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he takes a breath as he shifts his hand away, putting it to the back of his neck so he can roll his shoulders. ]
Yeah.
[ then he makes a motion that kinda ... signify Arsene's wings. ]
It's part of me.
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[The ripping the mask off part, mostly. Plus, having some secret part of herself that manifests physically is... a little scary to Kyna.]
Why Arsene?
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Because I'm a thief.
[ good as any explanation, right?? ]
He became Satanael later. Personas evolve when you do.
[ right to Satan, apparently. ]
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How'd you evolve?
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I had to.
[ there's a pause when he realizes that he should probably expand on that. at that time, he had no other choice: evolve or die, break free or let everyone down, in his eyes, he couldn't not. it was everything up until that point, including his connections to all the people who had helped him despite his situation.
it takes him a moment to word it properly. ]
... Other people I knew gave me that power, they believed in me. If I didn't, the God of Control would've remade the world how he wanted. It was then or never.
[ there was no second chance. ]
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...You're really brave, you know that?
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People like you make me brave. We're in this together, we have to take care of each other.
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She reaches for his hand again, squeezing tight, affection and fading surprise mingling.]
You're such a sap.
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[ but there's even fondness in that. he takes all too much pride in Akechi's half-baked insults. ]
That's how you know that those memories matter, even when you can't remember them. It's because we're connected.