[The thing is, she had such a strong base of support in the Aerie, so many people who had seen her at her worst and still loved her. She has maybe two people back home that she can say the same for, and she hasn't even started to think of how to reconcile that now, or how to mourn it when it seems like it's gone.
So Lance says we'll deal with it, like it's not some friendship ruining thing, like they can handle it together, and some of the tension in her eases.]
[No one did; it was all so incredibly unfair, and now they all have to just live with it. It's going to be such a long process, but at least they don't have to do it all alone.]
Do you want to talk about it?
[He doubts it right away, while they're out in the open even if there's no one around, but he wants to ask anyway. If she does, he wants to give her a chance to do so.]
[Even right after, or maybe even especially right after, when it's all you can think about and you haven't had time to even begin to process it. But he won't push her on it, asking instead--]
[He lets go enough to let her pull back as much as she wants to, but since she doesn't break contact just yet neither does here. It's grounding, and it means they're both there, no matter what just happened.
That the question is turned around on him is no surprise, but he still isn't sure how to answer all the same. He doesn't want to talk about it, no, but he also doesn't want to discourage her from doing so by making her think like there's some sort of unequal, unfair exchange.
So, finally, he offers--]
You know I've died before, and this time was... It wasn't that bad.
[Even though he'd actually experienced the real death portion of it, something he hadn't at home, that part isn't so bad. It's the lead up to it, the pain and the fear and the regret, and he'd felt those things in the quarry but not in the same way as at home. This is like a pale imitation, and maybe it'll be worse as it continues to sink in, but for now he's okay.
[She's not sure if she believes him, but it somehow doesn't feel fair to call him out on it. Maybe she should, and maybe he needs someone to, but she's not confident enough in her own intuition for that. She frowns instead, unsure.]
[He doesn't know what he was expecting, of course she'd ask; anyone would at a comment like that. Maybe, he wonders briefly, he subconsciously wants to talk about it, but then the rest of him says absolutely not and he shuts that thought down immediately.
So he gives a small shrug, shaking his head a little and answering truthfully but distantly, in a way he hopes gives enough of an answer for her to be satisfied without inviting more questions.]
I mean it could've been worse.
[The implication is probably clear, and so is that he doesn't really want to talk about it, but he also soon shifts the subject to something safer--]
The city is kind of a mess, and it's... Pretty much empty, so no public transportation. It'll take awhile to get back to the apartment.
[As in, okay, let's get going and okay, I'll drop it. She wants to make sure he's okay, but right now doesn't seem like the time, and she doesn't want to screw it up.]
[As soon as they get out into things the overgrowth will be obvious, and so will how deserted the city is. As they step out onto a main street, instead of the out of the way garage, Lance adds--]
I ran into a deer, on the way here. It looked really offended to see me.
[Which is a way of saying oh, by the way, there's wildlife now too.]
[It almost looks like some sort of post apocalyptic movie, all overgrown and totally devoid of people. Kyna can't help but gasp, both at the sight and at what he says.]
[And that's all he can really say, but isn't that what matters? It was real to them, and they have to deal with the experiences; it doesn't truly matter if it was some sort of mass hallucination or an alternate dimension, it just matters that they're going to have to figure out how to process and live with what happened.]
You don't have to thank me, but you're welcome. Even if I totally sucked at trying to save you.
[He says it lightly, almost a joke at how absurdly terrible the situation was, but he means the first part at least. She doesn't have to thank him.]
There was um... I don't know if you saw it or not, but there was supposed to be a bomb set off at the edge of the quarry. We were just supposed to have to make it that long.
[He couldn't tell her then, with all the cameras in the quarry and all the secrecy before, but he wants her to know there had a been a plan. He just hadn't made it that far, and he hopes she did, but he doesn't know if that's the case.]
[He definitely doesn't miss that, and wants to ask again if she'd like to talk, but decides that going indirectly might be better.]
I'm sorry. Some of those things are... Really bad.
[They were always hard to watch in quarries, because as terrible as being killed by a person is, you can understand it. Everyone's fighting to survive, and that's all it is.
But with the traps, the whole point of them is to kill. It's impersonal, no motivation, no one who's acting because they have to. It's just... Cold, and so incredibly pointless, and usually designed to be as awful as possible.]
[And maybe she does want to talk about it, consciously or not, because she keeps going, like she needs to explain.]
It was a puzzle, you know? One of the pressure plate ones. And there was an antidote I needed inside, but I couldn't focus because of the poison, and I just...
[He's quiet while she talks, glad she's doing so; it's good to talk about it, no matter how terrible it is. It's much worse when it's just in your head.
The situation she describes is, unfortunately, to be expected; it's more 'entertaining' when the person is truly desperate, and when they have a high chance of failing. When they have to walk right into the trap because there's no other choice but to try to beat the odds that have been purposefully stacked against them.]
You're never really supposed to succeed.
[Some do but so many don't, and he hopes she doesn't feel stupid or ashamed or something because she was one of the latter.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
So Lance says we'll deal with it, like it's not some friendship ruining thing, like they can handle it together, and some of the tension in her eases.]
You didn't deserve that. Any of it.
no subject
[No one did; it was all so incredibly unfair, and now they all have to just live with it. It's going to be such a long process, but at least they don't have to do it all alone.]
Do you want to talk about it?
[He doubts it right away, while they're out in the open even if there's no one around, but he wants to ask anyway. If she does, he wants to give her a chance to do so.]
no subject
[Does that count as avoiding or deflecting, like she always does? She's not sure, but she's being honest, at least.]
You aren't going to do the therapist thing, are you? You just— We just—
[Died, she means, but she can't bring herself to say it.]
no subject
[Even right after, or maybe even especially right after, when it's all you can think about and you haven't had time to even begin to process it. But he won't push her on it, asking instead--]
Maybe we should go back to the apartment?
no subject
Okay.
[She just doesn't want him to focus on her and act like he's fine, because... He can't be fine, right?]
...Do you want to talk about it?
no subject
That the question is turned around on him is no surprise, but he still isn't sure how to answer all the same. He doesn't want to talk about it, no, but he also doesn't want to discourage her from doing so by making her think like there's some sort of unequal, unfair exchange.
So, finally, he offers--]
You know I've died before, and this time was... It wasn't that bad.
[Even though he'd actually experienced the real death portion of it, something he hadn't at home, that part isn't so bad. It's the lead up to it, the pain and the fear and the regret, and he'd felt those things in the quarry but not in the same way as at home. This is like a pale imitation, and maybe it'll be worse as it continues to sink in, but for now he's okay.
Okay about that experience, anyway.]
no subject
What does 'not that bad' mean?
no subject
So he gives a small shrug, shaking his head a little and answering truthfully but distantly, in a way he hopes gives enough of an answer for her to be satisfied without inviting more questions.]
I mean it could've been worse.
[The implication is probably clear, and so is that he doesn't really want to talk about it, but he also soon shifts the subject to something safer--]
The city is kind of a mess, and it's... Pretty much empty, so no public transportation. It'll take awhile to get back to the apartment.
[So they should get going.]
no subject
[As in, okay, let's get going and okay, I'll drop it. She wants to make sure he's okay, but right now doesn't seem like the time, and she doesn't want to screw it up.]
How's it a mess?
no subject
[As soon as they get out into things the overgrowth will be obvious, and so will how deserted the city is. As they step out onto a main street, instead of the out of the way garage, Lance adds--]
I ran into a deer, on the way here. It looked really offended to see me.
[Which is a way of saying oh, by the way, there's wildlife now too.]
no subject
There are deer?
no subject
[It's crazy in how normal it is.]
no subject
We weren't gone that long, right? Do you think it has anything to do with... You know. Whatever happened?
no subject
[He can't remember and doesn't want to try to look it up right now.]
no subject
[Absently, she plucks a flower from the vine and then keeps moving.]
Like magic, right?
[Yeah, she means literally, but also not. It's beautiful, and she needs to cling to that right now.]
no subject
[Which seems significant. He stops briefly when she picks the flower, making sure they stay together, before continuing to lead the way.]
Yeah, like magic. That'd at least be a simple explanation.
[Which would be welcomed, becuase nothing about this is simple.]
no subject
She's quiet for a bit, mulling that over silently. Mulling it all over, really.]
Do you think it was all real?
no subject
[And that's all he can really say, but isn't that what matters? It was real to them, and they have to deal with the experiences; it doesn't truly matter if it was some sort of mass hallucination or an alternate dimension, it just matters that they're going to have to figure out how to process and live with what happened.]
no subject
[Maybe that's the best anyone can really say right now. She doesn't know how to sort it out, either.]
Thank you. I mean, for trying to save me.
no subject
[He says it lightly, almost a joke at how absurdly terrible the situation was, but he means the first part at least. She doesn't have to thank him.]
There was um... I don't know if you saw it or not, but there was supposed to be a bomb set off at the edge of the quarry. We were just supposed to have to make it that long.
[He couldn't tell her then, with all the cameras in the quarry and all the secrecy before, but he wants her to know there had a been a plan. He just hadn't made it that far, and he hopes she did, but he doesn't know if that's the case.]
no subject
[It's clear by her response that she didn't make it, probably.]
No. A trap got me.
[She tries to say it lightly, like it's no big deal, but her voice catches.]
no subject
I'm sorry. Some of those things are... Really bad.
[They were always hard to watch in quarries, because as terrible as being killed by a person is, you can understand it. Everyone's fighting to survive, and that's all it is.
But with the traps, the whole point of them is to kill. It's impersonal, no motivation, no one who's acting because they have to. It's just... Cold, and so incredibly pointless, and usually designed to be as awful as possible.]
no subject
[And maybe she does want to talk about it, consciously or not, because she keeps going, like she needs to explain.]
It was a puzzle, you know? One of the pressure plate ones. And there was an antidote I needed inside, but I couldn't focus because of the poison, and I just...
[Fucked it up.]
no subject
The situation she describes is, unfortunately, to be expected; it's more 'entertaining' when the person is truly desperate, and when they have a high chance of failing. When they have to walk right into the trap because there's no other choice but to try to beat the odds that have been purposefully stacked against them.]
You're never really supposed to succeed.
[Some do but so many don't, and he hopes she doesn't feel stupid or ashamed or something because she was one of the latter.]
no subject
[Logically she knows that. Everyone did, and especially her, with all the designers she hung out with.]
I was good at those puzzles. I would have figured it out.
[She hesitates, not quiet looking at him.]
And then died anyway, I guess. So maybe none of it matters.
(no subject)