[God, that sounds like a nightmare. Kyna tries to hide a frown and fails, squeezing his hand impulsively.]
That's fucking awful. Do you... Um, want to talk about it?
[She doesn't want to push when he's got that expression on his face, and she knows he's bringing it up to make a point, but it doesn't seem like the kind of thing she should just breeze past.]
[ that's not what he was expecting, and the question takes him a little off-guard for just a moment. he centers himself again, making a little mm as he thinks through what he'd even say about it. there was so much baggage, so much to explain, and he already put her through the ringer with Morgana. ]
[ there's that little grunt that comes out of him again, but ok, he's gonna try here. ]
Back home, we have an ability called Persona. It happens when you accept your Shadow Self in the cognitive world. [ and he absolutely knows that's hard to wrap your head around, so he tries to keep it concise. it's hard trying to be Morgana and explain this stuff. ]
We used it to change the hearts of people who were abusing other people, to give those people their power back. My school counselor was a Persona user, too. He lost someone close to him. She had an accident, and after that, didn't remember him or what happened to her. He thought she was better that way.
...
So he wanted to do that to the whole world, to ease the pain of loss.
[ Maruki wasn't a bad person. he was misguided, wanting to exert a special kind of control that adults wielded when they got lost and couldn't see through their own problems. ]
My friends were all happy. Those people that hurt them—they never remembered that happening. They didn't have to struggle with that pain. Everyone's desires came true.
[That's a lot of jargon that she doesn't fully understand, but she doesn't let herself get sucked into asking a million questions. That's not the point, and she gets the gist, at least.]
[ it's easier to show her than try to explain it. the memory is pretty easy to bring up: it's the first time he awakened Arsene. both him and Ryuji had been running through a Palace, lost on the first day of the new semester. the man with the yellow eyes, speedo and flaunty cape was their gym teacher.
despite where they are, Ren doesn't seem to know what's going on. then a voice reaches out to him on a flutter of a butterfly wing.
This is truly an unjust game. Your chances of winning are almost none. But if my voice is reaching you, there may yet be a possibility open to you ...
then comes the rush. the churn of his stomach, the pounding in his head. it's hard to keep his eyesight straight, even when he glares at Kamoshida. there's a combination of adrenaline and anxiety that push down the fear, and a memory that he knows very well. reaching out to try and help someone, and being taken away by the police, thrown in the backseat of a police car.
Was your previous decision a mistake then?
no. it wasn't. it wasn't—and he repeats that in his brain when the searing pain comes, when Arsene awakens from his own former doubtful thoughts through the shake of shackles and a wicked grin of full, demonic teeth. there's a mask that sticks to his face, as if it's part of the flesh. desperately he pulls at it, and with it, the reservations of how he views himself to all others in a toxic society. liquid drips down his cheeks and he doesn't care. instead, the release comes with a rush of power. it feels good. ]
[Kyna comes out of the memory with a sharp intake of breath, reeling a bit. God, that was a lot, and somehow not at all what she expected. She's never been shown a memory like that before, and that was a hell of a one to start with.]
[ it's intense, but it's definitely easier to understand as an experience than any words that he could put to it. even when Morgana explains it, it's not like the actual thing.
he takes a breath as he shifts his hand away, putting it to the back of his neck so he can roll his shoulders. ]
Yeah.
[ then he makes a motion that kinda ... signify Arsene's wings. ]
[ that's ... a good question. he never really thought much about it before. there were some passing exerts here and there that talked about Arsene the gentleman thief, but he had only paid half attention. ]
Because I'm a thief.
[ good as any explanation, right?? ]
He became Satanael later. Personas evolve when you do.
[ there's a pause when he realizes that he should probably expand on that. at that time, he had no other choice: evolve or die, break free or let everyone down, in his eyes, he couldn't not. it was everything up until that point, including his connections to all the people who had helped him despite his situation.
it takes him a moment to word it properly. ]
... Other people I knew gave me that power, they believed in me. If I didn't, the God of Control would've remade the world how he wanted. It was then or never.
[Kyna bites her lip, quiet for a moment, just studying him. She can't imagine how terrifying that must have been, for all his talk of rebellion and changing things for the better. Even if you believe in something, all that pressure must be overwhelming.]
[It makes her heart twist. She doesn't know how she's managed to fall in with so many people that make her feel so cared for and so irreplaceable, but she's not used to it. Ren is especially good at it in an easy, matter-of-fact way that never overwhelms her. He's sweet.
She reaches for his hand again, squeezing tight, affection and fading surprise mingling.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
That's fucking awful. Do you... Um, want to talk about it?
[She doesn't want to push when he's got that expression on his face, and she knows he's bringing it up to make a point, but it doesn't seem like the kind of thing she should just breeze past.]
no subject
This was supposed to be about you.
no subject
It can be about both of us.
no subject
Back home, we have an ability called Persona. It happens when you accept your Shadow Self in the cognitive world. [ and he absolutely knows that's hard to wrap your head around, so he tries to keep it concise. it's hard trying to be Morgana and explain this stuff. ]
We used it to change the hearts of people who were abusing other people, to give those people their power back. My school counselor was a Persona user, too. He lost someone close to him. She had an accident, and after that, didn't remember him or what happened to her. He thought she was better that way.
...
So he wanted to do that to the whole world, to ease the pain of loss.
[ Maruki wasn't a bad person. he was misguided, wanting to exert a special kind of control that adults wielded when they got lost and couldn't see through their own problems. ]
My friends were all happy. Those people that hurt them—they never remembered that happening. They didn't have to struggle with that pain. Everyone's desires came true.
[ even his. ]
no subject
That sounds really... empty. And violating.
no subject
[ he slips his hands from hers for a moment, and then offers it. ]
Here. I can show you something.
[ that might make this make sense. ]
no subject
Okay.
[She takes his hand.]
no subject
despite where they are, Ren doesn't seem to know what's going on. then a voice reaches out to him on a flutter of a butterfly wing.
This is truly an unjust game. Your chances of winning are almost none. But if my voice is reaching you, there may yet be a possibility open to you ...
then comes the rush. the churn of his stomach, the pounding in his head. it's hard to keep his eyesight straight, even when he glares at Kamoshida. there's a combination of adrenaline and anxiety that push down the fear, and a memory that he knows very well. reaching out to try and help someone, and being taken away by the police, thrown in the backseat of a police car.
Was your previous decision a mistake then?
no. it wasn't. it wasn't—and he repeats that in his brain when the searing pain comes, when Arsene awakens from his own former doubtful thoughts through the shake of shackles and a wicked grin of full, demonic teeth. there's a mask that sticks to his face, as if it's part of the flesh. desperately he pulls at it, and with it, the reservations of how he views himself to all others in a toxic society. liquid drips down his cheeks and he doesn't care. instead, the release comes with a rush of power. it feels good. ]
no subject
Holy shit. It's like... an actual thing.
[Manifestation, she means. Very eloquent.]
no subject
he takes a breath as he shifts his hand away, putting it to the back of his neck so he can roll his shoulders. ]
Yeah.
[ then he makes a motion that kinda ... signify Arsene's wings. ]
It's part of me.
no subject
[The ripping the mask off part, mostly. Plus, having some secret part of herself that manifests physically is... a little scary to Kyna.]
Why Arsene?
no subject
Because I'm a thief.
[ good as any explanation, right?? ]
He became Satanael later. Personas evolve when you do.
[ right to Satan, apparently. ]
no subject
How'd you evolve?
no subject
I had to.
[ there's a pause when he realizes that he should probably expand on that. at that time, he had no other choice: evolve or die, break free or let everyone down, in his eyes, he couldn't not. it was everything up until that point, including his connections to all the people who had helped him despite his situation.
it takes him a moment to word it properly. ]
... Other people I knew gave me that power, they believed in me. If I didn't, the God of Control would've remade the world how he wanted. It was then or never.
[ there was no second chance. ]
no subject
...You're really brave, you know that?
no subject
People like you make me brave. We're in this together, we have to take care of each other.
no subject
She reaches for his hand again, squeezing tight, affection and fading surprise mingling.]
You're such a sap.
no subject
[ but there's even fondness in that. he takes all too much pride in Akechi's half-baked insults. ]
That's how you know that those memories matter, even when you can't remember them. It's because we're connected.