The simple answer is however feels most natural to you. But that's vague, so when people aren't sure where to start I usually suggest they try to explain whatever it is that's most at the forefront of their thoughts. Since people tend to only seek out therapy when there's something specific bothering them, they usually have at least one topic like that where the conversation can start and then progress from.
If you mean how in terms of emotion, for some people it helps them to keep some mental distance by explaining their problem like they were just giving a summary of something that happened in a book or the news. Again, usually it just progresses from there.
[He thinks, initially, this is an easy question to answer, and then he realizes it isn't; Lance usually uses this particular method for conversations with friends too, but although it works it might not be exactly normal. He had never spoken to anyone about his problems before his parents had put him in therapy, and so he'd learned professional strategies far before casual, interpersonal ones.
But he is absolutely not about to explain any of that, so instead he quickly puts together some semblance of a reasonable answer.]
Sometimes it can just come up naturally in conversation, and instead of deflecting away from a difficult topic you can decide to talk about it.
[A suggestion which feels especially hypocritical at the moment, but whatever. He let Kyna get away with deflecting earlier, so it's only fair, right? Right. It totally works that way.]
Otherwise, you can just ask a friend if you can talk to them about something, like you would about any serious topic. But in that case it's also usually best to make it clear what sort of response you want from them, whether you want advice, sympathy, just someone to listen to you put your feelings into words, or something else.
[This is easier said than done, and he tries to figure out an example that works and he can give without needing a lot of backstory or getting into subjects he doesn't want to. He and Brennan don't really discuss feelings--other than advice when asked for, or during his attempts to help her and Booth sort out their relationship--precisely because Brennan isn't good at it and Lance has known that from the beginning.]
She and I usually avoid having talks for this exact reason, which doesn't exactly help when something does come up. I guess an example would be that we had a case that brought up a lot of feelings for both of us, and we both knew that was what was going on with each other, but we disagreed on how to handle the situation. Since we couldn't actually communicate about it directly--she wouldn't talk about the underlying problem at all, and I wasn't exactly doing the best job either--we both got so frustrated with each other that we ended up barely speaking the rest of the day.
[He definitely could've done a better job dealing with this on his side, so it's not just Brennan's fault or anything, but where he'd been alluding to things and even outright stating some she'd basically just walled off entirely in terms of communication.]
But we'd known each other for a few years by that point, and she changed the way she was dealing with the case, so I could tell she'd understood even if she wouldn't talk about it. We ended up just kind of letting the conflict go, though we didn't actually resolve it.
In some ways it's easier, but in others it isn't. We get to avoid the unpleasant part of talking, but the tradeoff is that it leads to miscommunication and conflict that we could've avoided.
I assume you and he get along well? He can probably read your expressions and body language, so even if you can't find exactly the 'right' words, he can understand what you're trying to say. That makes it a lot easier.
maybe i'm not sure what set him off exactly it was just okay, during the sim there was a lot of fucked up stuff happening, right? and this guy and i thought we died except it was all fake, so we didn't, but it felt real and he was brushing it off like it wasn't a big deal, but i thought i knew it was bothering him, right? but when i tried to talk to him about it he acted like i was nuts
[He'll just... File that information away for now, and put it in the list of other horrible things he's heard and that he needs to worry about his friends over. But focusing on the conversation--]
he said it wasn't real so it didn't matter and a bunch of other stuff that i don't know, i guess it was kind of personal but basically it was just who cares, there's no point in talking about it
[Ah, one of these situations. Okay, well, at least he can try to give some advice.]
You're probably right that it was bothering him, and that it would help him to talk to someone. But if someone isn't ready to talk, trying to make them will only make things worse.
It sucks when you want to help your friend and they won't accept it, but all you can really do is be there for them for when they do choose to ask for help.
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If you mean how in terms of emotion, for some people it helps them to keep some mental distance by explaining their problem like they were just giving a summary of something that happened in a book or the news. Again, usually it just progresses from there.
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just
you know
in general
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But he is absolutely not about to explain any of that, so instead he quickly puts together some semblance of a reasonable answer.]
Sometimes it can just come up naturally in conversation, and instead of deflecting away from a difficult topic you can decide to talk about it.
[A suggestion which feels especially hypocritical at the moment, but whatever. He let Kyna get away with deflecting earlier, so it's only fair, right? Right. It totally works that way.]
Otherwise, you can just ask a friend if you can talk to them about something, like you would about any serious topic. But in that case it's also usually best to make it clear what sort of response you want from them, whether you want advice, sympathy, just someone to listen to you put your feelings into words, or something else.
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that sounds fucking awful
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[He doubts this is a hypothetical fear but he could be wrong, so might as well phrase it as a question.]
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yes
idk, i'm not great at that kind of thing
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you're already good at it
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have you ever met anyone who just sucks at it no matter what?
am i doomed, doc?
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She and I usually avoid having talks for this exact reason, which doesn't exactly help when something does come up. I guess an example would be that we had a case that brought up a lot of feelings for both of us, and we both knew that was what was going on with each other, but we disagreed on how to handle the situation. Since we couldn't actually communicate about it directly--she wouldn't talk about the underlying problem at all, and I wasn't exactly doing the best job either--we both got so frustrated with each other that we ended up barely speaking the rest of the day.
[He definitely could've done a better job dealing with this on his side, so it's not just Brennan's fault or anything, but where he'd been alluding to things and even outright stating some she'd basically just walled off entirely in terms of communication.]
But we'd known each other for a few years by that point, and she changed the way she was dealing with the case, so I could tell she'd understood even if she wouldn't talk about it. We ended up just kind of letting the conflict go, though we didn't actually resolve it.
[Which tends to be the case with them.]
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[This is... perhaps not the best take away, Kyna.]
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In some ways it's easier, but in others it isn't. We get to avoid the unpleasant part of talking, but the tradeoff is that it leads to miscommunication and conflict that we could've avoided.
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i tried talking to someone here about something and it blew up on me
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Blew up in what way?
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idk
i just pissed him off
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i'm not sure what set him off exactly
it was just
okay, during the sim there was a lot of fucked up stuff happening, right?
and this guy and i thought we died
except it was all fake, so we didn't, but it felt real
and he was brushing it off like it wasn't a big deal, but i thought
i knew it was bothering him, right?
but when i tried to talk to him about it he acted like i was nuts
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In what way? What did he say?
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and a bunch of other stuff that
i don't know, i guess it was kind of personal
but basically it was just
who cares, there's no point in talking about it
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You're probably right that it was bothering him, and that it would help him to talk to someone. But if someone isn't ready to talk, trying to make them will only make things worse.
It sucks when you want to help your friend and they won't accept it, but all you can really do is be there for them for when they do choose to ask for help.
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