[Kyna's quiet for a second, shifting to bury her face against his shoulder. She doesn't respond right away, just soaks in that calm he's feeding her. It's nice. It helps.]
No. Sam went with me. He said if he couldn't get me to leave it, he was going to come with. But then we got there and everything went...
[She swallows, trying to steady her voice and failing.]
[ He can relate to this, and that precise understanding flits through the bond. One of the stories he hasn't told her, one of the things he hasn't been thinking about -- the last thing he remembers from home before coming here.
Advocating for JJ to come on his first supply run with them. Watching them detain and process him. The dread over what in the fuck he was gonna tell Nia.
Ultimately it was his word that convinced her, and his fault Jamill got caught.
The situation's different but he's betting the feeling is the same.
I tried talking to my dad first, 'cause I'm an idiot. But he was like... really far gone, you know? He wasn't totally in control and neither was the thing possessing him, so he was just... unstable. And he attacked me, and Sam tried to protect me.
[There's that guilt bubbling up again, and she presses closer, suddenly not looking forward to going into detail.]
[ It's not even remotely the same thing, but he used to play D&D with Dusty and a few other guys in high school, then a little bit in college. The association he's got going on in his head is sort of like a lich, which is undoubtedly inaccurate. Still, that's what he's thinking through this whole story. ]
[She swallows, shrugs as much as she can while pressed against him.]
He's a healer, you know? He was okay, but...
[But it was still bad, and she doesn't really want to talk about it.]
I guess he must have called my brother beforehand, because he showed up, and he and I had to... deal with my dad because Sam was out. I mean, I had to deal with my dad. Banishing the spirit.
[She says, like that's the next natural step, because for her it was. This is her job. She does shit like this all the time. She should have been able to handle it, and normally, she would have, if this hadn't been such a fucking mess.]
But deals like this, bindings like this, they aren't always equal. It's like... trying to rip apart two pieces of tape that are stuck sticky sides together, you know?
[ Banishing the spirit — be patient with him Kyna, he has no idea how Magic Physics works where you're from so he's doing his best to connect these dots as he's presented with them.
But.
If somebody binds themselves to an entity, and they get... mixed, if they fuse, and you rip half of it away-- ]
[ He breathes the word, a pulse of profound apology and understanding striking through the bond. Somehow, that's the one outcome he hadn't been thinking of in advance. It seems like the obvious conclusion now that she's said it, and he...
Yeah, he hurts for her. ]
I'm sorry. I really am. I know how much that can hurt.
You don't have to measure your pain based on someone else's. It's okay to hurt.
[ And he can imagine... if he suddenly found his father and knew him for even a day just to watch him die the next, that would still be enough to drive a stake through his heart. The loss of a parent can be less about the person and more about their meaning. ]
[Kyna chews on her lip for a second, going quiet. Of course there was a grieving period, even if it was—or is—a strange and rocky one. She's mourned more for the idea of the father she could have had than the one she got, but she's been able to temper that with the reality of what a monster he turned into.
So, here's the part she hasn't talked about with anyone, back home or here.]
Is it fucked up that I feel worse about what happened to Sam than to my dad?
It's not wrong to feel how you feel. Just because you think you're supposed to feel a certain way... there's no right way to grieve. Nobody knows the intricacies of your relationships but you.
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No. Sam went with me. He said if he couldn't get me to leave it, he was going to come with. But then we got there and everything went...
[She swallows, trying to steady her voice and failing.]
Everything went really badly and he got hurt.
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Advocating for JJ to come on his first supply run with them. Watching them detain and process him. The dread over what in the fuck he was gonna tell Nia.
Ultimately it was his word that convinced her, and his fault Jamill got caught.
The situation's different but he's betting the feeling is the same.
He probes gently. ]
What happened?
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[There's that guilt bubbling up again, and she presses closer, suddenly not looking forward to going into detail.]
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Is Sam okay?
[ Seems like the logical question to ask. ]
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[She swallows, shrugs as much as she can while pressed against him.]
He's a healer, you know? He was okay, but...
[But it was still bad, and she doesn't really want to talk about it.]
I guess he must have called my brother beforehand, because he showed up, and he and I had to... deal with my dad because Sam was out. I mean, I had to deal with my dad. Banishing the spirit.
[She says, like that's the next natural step, because for her it was. This is her job. She does shit like this all the time. She should have been able to handle it, and normally, she would have, if this hadn't been such a fucking mess.]
But deals like this, bindings like this, they aren't always equal. It's like... trying to rip apart two pieces of tape that are stuck sticky sides together, you know?
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But.
If somebody binds themselves to an entity, and they get... mixed, if they fuse, and you rip half of it away-- ]
It-- did it... take parts of your dad with it?
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I guess. That's a way of thinking of it.
[It's messy, is the basic idea.]
So he didn't... you know. He didn't make it.
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[ He breathes the word, a pulse of profound apology and understanding striking through the bond. Somehow, that's the one outcome he hadn't been thinking of in advance. It seems like the obvious conclusion now that she's said it, and he...
Yeah, he hurts for her. ]
I'm sorry. I really am. I know how much that can hurt.
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Thanks. I mean... I don't think it's the same. He was never really my dad, you know? So it wasn't... It was worse for you. I think.
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You don't have to measure your pain based on someone else's. It's okay to hurt.
[ And he can imagine... if he suddenly found his father and knew him for even a day just to watch him die the next, that would still be enough to drive a stake through his heart. The loss of a parent can be less about the person and more about their meaning. ]
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So, here's the part she hasn't talked about with anyone, back home or here.]
Is it fucked up that I feel worse about what happened to Sam than to my dad?
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[ He means that sincerely. ]
It's not wrong to feel how you feel. Just because you think you're supposed to feel a certain way... there's no right way to grieve. Nobody knows the intricacies of your relationships but you.