I appreciate the concern, but this isn't something a little talking about is going to resolve.
[Because there's so many layers to it and so many intertwined, complicated connections that even thinking about them is exhausting, let alone the idea of talking about them. They'd be there for hours and probably wouldn't even begin making progress.]
[Kyna sighs, pulling her hand away and scooting back a bit.]
Alright.
[She's not sure what else to say. He seems determined not to open up to her, and he's seemed that way since they got back. She's not sure there's anything she can do about it.]
[He isn't really expecting her to accept that answer, and that she does gives him a sudden sense of relief that almost surprises him. It isn't necessarily that he doesn't want to share with her, specifically, just that he's so tired and getting into what's truly bothering him is something he can't really face right now.
So knowing that she cares, but not having to talk right now, is something that helps on its own. He's silent several seconds, letting out a long, quiet breath to try to relax a little, attempting to decide if he's going to bother gathering the energy to try to divert back into something light or he's going to allow himself to just stay in the more dim, sedate state of just existing that feels a lot more appealing.
But as usual, somewhere in the middle prevails, as he does find something he's willing to talk about at least, even if the topic is still serious and his tone comes out more soft and depressed than he intends it to.]
I don't understand why everyone assumes the worst of everything I do.
[He'd get it if he'd just arrived, or if people knew him from nothing but the network. But that isn't the case; he's been involved in almost everything, he's met so many people here, and he's done his best to not just be involved in conflict when necessary but to help with things as much as he can. And yet the moment he says anything that someone doesn't like, it's as if absolutely none of that matters, and it feels so disproportionate that it still catches him off guard every time.]
[Kyna's mouth twists a little at that, mostly because... She doesn't get it. She doesn't see what he's seeing here.]
They don't, Lance. I think the only person here who genuinely doesn't like you here is Akechi, and that's... Akechi. I've seen people disagree with you, and sometimes they're jerks about it, but there's also always people who like... Immediately jump to your defense or sing your praises. I think people are willing to defend you more than they're willing to defend most people.
Being jerks when disagreeing is what I'm talking about.
[Mostly, anyway.]
I don't care if people disagree; I mean, it's frustrating, especially since I'm not usually arguing about something I think I'm wrong about, but people are allowed to disagree. It's just that it goes into some sort of personal jab so often.
[So often that some of the insults and insinuations are ones he's been afraid might actually be true, even if he doesn't feel like they are.]
I think that's why people feel the need to step in, too.
I've been called insensitive several times, there's that instance that someone told me I 'tell people how they should handle themselves' in response to suggesting that everyone should be allowed to make their own decisions, which doesn't even make sense; I got 'stupid and irresponsible' once, was accused of purposefully creating problems that don't exist, for some reason people seem to believe I have absolutely no understanding of cause and effect and so like to tell me I don't know what I'm doing as if I'm like four, and I'm sure I could go on.
[That's just off the top of his head, without having to check back on anything, and without including anything Akechi's said since at this point it's clear he's just a jerk to everyone.]
[Kyna sighs, drumming her fingers on the back of the couch.]
I'm not like... following all the conversations you have, so I don't know what to say. A lot of people here are just kind of assholes when they disagree or they're fed up. Even people we like. It's not like we're always chill either.
[How many times has Kyna taken something personally on the network and lashed out? How many times has Lance been impatient or condescending? Almost everyone here can be an asshole in one way or another. It seems like more of a "strong personalities under stress" issue to her than a "people don't like Lance" issue.]
So I don't know. I guess either you look at it and figure out if there's a way you're talking about stuff that upsets people, or you look at it and decide people don't like you or whatever. I don't know what the... you know, correct choice is. But if you think you're upsetting people, then you change it. And if some people just don't like you, I don't get why that means you have to stop working towards whatever you want to work towards. Clarke was telling you she wanted to hear what you wanted to do instead. Isn't that all you need?
[He's silent at that for several seconds, gaze fixed somewhere between the wall and the floor again, and he's... Not sure what he expected, honestly. Not sure what he feels, either, but it's probably for the best that his emotional response is still so muted.
Finally, when he does speak up, it's almost unrelated at first but he does have a point.]
My girlfriend at home, Daisy, she um... She used to get really annoyed with me, and it took me awhile to figure out why, but it was because whenever she'd come to me with something I'd try and tell her how to fix it.
[He misses Daisy so much, but like with so many other people, it's buried so deep that if he doesn't think about it too much then he won't feel it.]
I thought that was how I could help, and in a way it was, but she didn't actually want help; if she did, she'd ask me for advice, or what to do. What she really wanted was just to know that she had a right to feel how she did.
[And that's what he wants, too. He knows how to solve this problem, he just wants to know that he isn't crazy to feel upset.]
Of course you're allowed to be upset. I'm just... I guess I'm just worried, you know? That you're...
[She trails off awkwardly, not entirely sure how to explain herself.]
You keep talking about how we're all traumatized, and how we need to be... gentler with each other and everything, right? But I'm worried you're not following your own advice. Being gentle with yourself, I mean. You're spending all this time trying to help everyone all at once, and throwing yourself into the stuff at Red Wings and on the network, and... I don't know. I think you're burning out.
[Is she making sense? She doesn't know if she's making sense. She bites her lip for a second, tries to reexplain.]
I guess what I'm trying to say is... Anyone would be upset after all the shit we've been through. And anyone would be upset if they were dealing with that on top of all the network crap. I just think... I just wish you'd give yourself time to breathe and be upset. You know?
[He's quiet while she talks, still not looking at her, but just a little bit of tension fades. Her point gets across clear enough even without her additional explanation, and he can't really argue; it's not like she's wrong.
But that's part of the problem in itself. He's so past stressed and upset that he isn't feeling anything in the way he should be, and when something adds to it, it just makes it even worse. He can't deal with any one part of what's happened and what's still happening, let alone all of it, and he's afraid that if he starts on even one thing he won't be able to stop it.
And that's really where his hesitance--beyond even just his normal desire to keep things to himself--comes in, and he tries to put at least that into words.]
I can't just step back and do nothing while people need help. I can't... I can't be aware of a problem that's happening right now and then choose not to do something about it, but there's just too much to do, and every time I try to accomplish even one thing, something always goes wrong.
[It's so exhausting and discouraging, because he just wants to help people, and not only can he not manage that but it seems to be so often that his intentions are taken to be something they aren't. And then, to add to it all--]
And if I bring something up, because I'm not able to do it alone, the first question I'm asked is why I haven't done anything to fix it myself.
[She gets that, she does, but she wonders how much he's getting caught up in the fact that he feels that the safehouse is an injustice, and it needs to be fixed immediately, coupled with the fact that he has such a deep need to help.]
Have you... um. I mean, have you told people you need help with it? Or are you afraid of... You know, overwhelming people or putting them on the spot or something?
You've seen how people react to suggestions they don't like. There are a few people I could ask who I know agree with me, but they already have a lot to deal with right now.
[So a little of both; he doesn't want to overwhelm the people he's confident he could ask for help, and hasn't wanted to risk trying to ask anyone else. So part of stating something so publicly about how he felt had been to see who'd responded in what way, and it had worked; some of the new arrivals were interested in working on the problem. But then it had gone downhill from there.]
[This is where she's struggling—she's never been one to hesitate when she really believes in something, for better or for worse. She's a lot like Ren in that way. And after the Aerie, she's only more determined to push at the things she considers injustices in this world. Getting yelled at on the network sucks, sure, but in her mind it's become clear that none of them will ever get a consensus on anything. Best to find the people who agree with you and want to work with you, and focus on them.
But maybe part of it is that she's never viewed any of Clarke's brusqueness or disagreements as personal. In fact, they always seem very impersonal. Clarke will call anyone out, even if they're friends. She just doesn't mince words. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Clarke comes from a world that Kyna has come to understand through hints and offhand comments as awful, even if she doesn't know the details. Worrying about people's feelings just isn't Clarke's first priority for things like this.
Again, she's quiet for a moment, mulling it over. It's hard because while she gets that he's struggling, and she gets that the network can be annoying, she really doesn't see any of this as people disagreeing with him, but disagreeing with the way he went about it with the new arrivals, and she's not sure he wants to hear that.]
I think you should just do it. Ask people for help, and try to get people to brainstorm. Or if you're not up to posting to the network, ask someone you trust to do it. And if you think everyone is dealing with too much else to fix the safehouse... I don't know.
[Either he wants it done as quickly as possible and he asks for help, or he accepts that it needs to wait and stops getting upset that it isn't being solved quickly. Right now, it seems like he's just forcing himself into a cycle of misery.]
[He gives a long sigh at that, reaching up to run his hand aggressively through his hair just to get the physical jolt of it, before responding--]
Yeah, I'll try that next time I have the mental fortitude to get yelled at again.
[Or ask one of his friends to get yelled at, which is not a more appealing option. But this isn't really going anywhere and they covered what he's promised he would tell her, and now he's just frustrated and agitated on top of depressed. Not that that's unusual, especially not lately, but that doesn't make it a pleasant feeling.
He uncurls his leg and moves to stand up, careful not to do so too quickly, then finally glances at Kyna again.]
I'm going to... I don't know. Try to take a nap or something.
[Except he won't, because he'll get a message from Gaby that will make all of this worse, but at least for right now he's blissfully unaware of that.]
[Kyna sighs too, because she's the queen of shutting down and shutting people out, and that's exactly what he's doing. It feels like he's been doing it a lot.
She reaches out to touch his arm again, not to hold on, but to hopefully get him to stay a second longer.]
[She was expecting a little more resistance, so she's thrown off for a second, but then she continues, voice a little softer.]
There's a lot of people here who really care about you, and a lot of people who would love to help you with... Pretty much anything you could ask for or need. You're not going to feel better until you let them.
[The first thing that comes to mind when she says that--his immediate, instinctive response--is I don't believe you. And as soon as it crosses through his mind, he knows she's right, and so are all the other people who've told him the same thing; not only are they right, he's also gone far past the point when he should've taken the advice.
It's not the first time this has happened and it won't be the last, but it's still always a kind of sickening shock when he recognizes how warped his thinking has gotten. He knows how to fix it, and knows it can be fixed, but it's such an incredibly unpleasant indicator of how far out hand things have gotten.
But because he can recognize it and what it means, instead of I don't believe you, what he says is--]
I know.
[And, logically, he does. He's just going to have to trust only that side of himself, not the emotional side, for a little while.
He offers her a weak attempt at a smile, just for a moment, trying to show her that he did hear what she said and isn't brushing it off, but he just can't act on it immediately. Not without some rest and time to mentally prepare, anyway.]
I'll talk to you later.
[Maybe about this, maybe not, but it's not totally off the table. He just needs a little more time.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Okay.
[It doesn't feel like this is a way to dodge the question, so she believes him.]
But you haven't been doing well. For a while, I mean.
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[This time he is dodging the topic, but it's also a truthful statement.]
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[She says it gently, but a little prodding.]
Right now I'm worried about you.
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[Because there's so many layers to it and so many intertwined, complicated connections that even thinking about them is exhausting, let alone the idea of talking about them. They'd be there for hours and probably wouldn't even begin making progress.]
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Alright.
[She's not sure what else to say. He seems determined not to open up to her, and he's seemed that way since they got back. She's not sure there's anything she can do about it.]
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So knowing that she cares, but not having to talk right now, is something that helps on its own. He's silent several seconds, letting out a long, quiet breath to try to relax a little, attempting to decide if he's going to bother gathering the energy to try to divert back into something light or he's going to allow himself to just stay in the more dim, sedate state of just existing that feels a lot more appealing.
But as usual, somewhere in the middle prevails, as he does find something he's willing to talk about at least, even if the topic is still serious and his tone comes out more soft and depressed than he intends it to.]
I don't understand why everyone assumes the worst of everything I do.
[He'd get it if he'd just arrived, or if people knew him from nothing but the network. But that isn't the case; he's been involved in almost everything, he's met so many people here, and he's done his best to not just be involved in conflict when necessary but to help with things as much as he can. And yet the moment he says anything that someone doesn't like, it's as if absolutely none of that matters, and it feels so disproportionate that it still catches him off guard every time.]
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They don't, Lance. I think the only person here who genuinely doesn't like you here is Akechi, and that's... Akechi. I've seen people disagree with you, and sometimes they're jerks about it, but there's also always people who like... Immediately jump to your defense or sing your praises. I think people are willing to defend you more than they're willing to defend most people.
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[Mostly, anyway.]
I don't care if people disagree; I mean, it's frustrating, especially since I'm not usually arguing about something I think I'm wrong about, but people are allowed to disagree. It's just that it goes into some sort of personal jab so often.
[So often that some of the insults and insinuations are ones he's been afraid might actually be true, even if he doesn't feel like they are.]
I think that's why people feel the need to step in, too.
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[That's just off the top of his head, without having to check back on anything, and without including anything Akechi's said since at this point it's clear he's just a jerk to everyone.]
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[But give him a second to do a mental tally.]
For those particular complaints, seven, I think.
[Though a lot of them double up, and some people like to throw in a new insult every conversation, so it feels like more.]
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I'm not like... following all the conversations you have, so I don't know what to say. A lot of people here are just kind of assholes when they disagree or they're fed up. Even people we like. It's not like we're always chill either.
[How many times has Kyna taken something personally on the network and lashed out? How many times has Lance been impatient or condescending? Almost everyone here can be an asshole in one way or another. It seems like more of a "strong personalities under stress" issue to her than a "people don't like Lance" issue.]
So I don't know. I guess either you look at it and figure out if there's a way you're talking about stuff that upsets people, or you look at it and decide people don't like you or whatever. I don't know what the... you know, correct choice is. But if you think you're upsetting people, then you change it. And if some people just don't like you, I don't get why that means you have to stop working towards whatever you want to work towards. Clarke was telling you she wanted to hear what you wanted to do instead. Isn't that all you need?
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Finally, when he does speak up, it's almost unrelated at first but he does have a point.]
My girlfriend at home, Daisy, she um... She used to get really annoyed with me, and it took me awhile to figure out why, but it was because whenever she'd come to me with something I'd try and tell her how to fix it.
[He misses Daisy so much, but like with so many other people, it's buried so deep that if he doesn't think about it too much then he won't feel it.]
I thought that was how I could help, and in a way it was, but she didn't actually want help; if she did, she'd ask me for advice, or what to do. What she really wanted was just to know that she had a right to feel how she did.
[And that's what he wants, too. He knows how to solve this problem, he just wants to know that he isn't crazy to feel upset.]
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Of course you're allowed to be upset. I'm just... I guess I'm just worried, you know? That you're...
[She trails off awkwardly, not entirely sure how to explain herself.]
You keep talking about how we're all traumatized, and how we need to be... gentler with each other and everything, right? But I'm worried you're not following your own advice. Being gentle with yourself, I mean. You're spending all this time trying to help everyone all at once, and throwing yourself into the stuff at Red Wings and on the network, and... I don't know. I think you're burning out.
[Is she making sense? She doesn't know if she's making sense. She bites her lip for a second, tries to reexplain.]
I guess what I'm trying to say is... Anyone would be upset after all the shit we've been through. And anyone would be upset if they were dealing with that on top of all the network crap. I just think... I just wish you'd give yourself time to breathe and be upset. You know?
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But that's part of the problem in itself. He's so past stressed and upset that he isn't feeling anything in the way he should be, and when something adds to it, it just makes it even worse. He can't deal with any one part of what's happened and what's still happening, let alone all of it, and he's afraid that if he starts on even one thing he won't be able to stop it.
And that's really where his hesitance--beyond even just his normal desire to keep things to himself--comes in, and he tries to put at least that into words.]
I can't just step back and do nothing while people need help. I can't... I can't be aware of a problem that's happening right now and then choose not to do something about it, but there's just too much to do, and every time I try to accomplish even one thing, something always goes wrong.
[It's so exhausting and discouraging, because he just wants to help people, and not only can he not manage that but it seems to be so often that his intentions are taken to be something they aren't. And then, to add to it all--]
And if I bring something up, because I'm not able to do it alone, the first question I'm asked is why I haven't done anything to fix it myself.
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Have you... um. I mean, have you told people you need help with it? Or are you afraid of... You know, overwhelming people or putting them on the spot or something?
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[So a little of both; he doesn't want to overwhelm the people he's confident he could ask for help, and hasn't wanted to risk trying to ask anyone else. So part of stating something so publicly about how he felt had been to see who'd responded in what way, and it had worked; some of the new arrivals were interested in working on the problem. But then it had gone downhill from there.]
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But maybe part of it is that she's never viewed any of Clarke's brusqueness or disagreements as personal. In fact, they always seem very impersonal. Clarke will call anyone out, even if they're friends. She just doesn't mince words. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Clarke comes from a world that Kyna has come to understand through hints and offhand comments as awful, even if she doesn't know the details. Worrying about people's feelings just isn't Clarke's first priority for things like this.
Again, she's quiet for a moment, mulling it over. It's hard because while she gets that he's struggling, and she gets that the network can be annoying, she really doesn't see any of this as people disagreeing with him, but disagreeing with the way he went about it with the new arrivals, and she's not sure he wants to hear that.]
I think you should just do it. Ask people for help, and try to get people to brainstorm. Or if you're not up to posting to the network, ask someone you trust to do it. And if you think everyone is dealing with too much else to fix the safehouse... I don't know.
[Either he wants it done as quickly as possible and he asks for help, or he accepts that it needs to wait and stops getting upset that it isn't being solved quickly. Right now, it seems like he's just forcing himself into a cycle of misery.]
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Yeah, I'll try that next time I have the mental fortitude to get yelled at again.
[Or ask one of his friends to get yelled at, which is not a more appealing option. But this isn't really going anywhere and they covered what he's promised he would tell her, and now he's just frustrated and agitated on top of depressed. Not that that's unusual, especially not lately, but that doesn't make it a pleasant feeling.
He uncurls his leg and moves to stand up, careful not to do so too quickly, then finally glances at Kyna again.]
I'm going to... I don't know. Try to take a nap or something.
[Except he won't, because he'll get a message from Gaby that will make all of this worse, but at least for right now he's blissfully unaware of that.]
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She reaches out to touch his arm again, not to hold on, but to hopefully get him to stay a second longer.]
Lance.
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There's a lot of people here who really care about you, and a lot of people who would love to help you with... Pretty much anything you could ask for or need. You're not going to feel better until you let them.
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It's not the first time this has happened and it won't be the last, but it's still always a kind of sickening shock when he recognizes how warped his thinking has gotten. He knows how to fix it, and knows it can be fixed, but it's such an incredibly unpleasant indicator of how far out hand things have gotten.
But because he can recognize it and what it means, instead of I don't believe you, what he says is--]
I know.
[And, logically, he does. He's just going to have to trust only that side of himself, not the emotional side, for a little while.
He offers her a weak attempt at a smile, just for a moment, trying to show her that he did hear what she said and isn't brushing it off, but he just can't act on it immediately. Not without some rest and time to mentally prepare, anyway.]
I'll talk to you later.
[Maybe about this, maybe not, but it's not totally off the table. He just needs a little more time.]