Because if Gaby decides she doesn't like how I'm going about it, she said she'll pull all support from all the Displaced, and I don't care to risk that.
[He'd expected to find the line, but he hadn't expected it to be a cliff. If it had been just about him, that would've been one thing, but they'd skipped right over that.]
Just let me talk to El, okay? I wanted to ask how this whole thing works. Like, the specifics of setting up the IDs and stuff. I don't think anyone's ever actually asked El if there's a different way to do it.
[He's lost any and all interest in this at the moment, totally drained, though he does still add--]
Clarke mentioned ID scramblers exist. Even if they don't hold up to close inspection, maybe they could be used to generate a fake ID signal that wouldn't attract attention at a brief glance.
[Lance appreciates that she avoids the empathy bond, since he's not at all up for that right now. So he tries to focus on taking some sense of reassurance from both the gesture and her words, but at the moment that's really hard to do.
He does manage a weak attempt at a smile, briefly looking at her when he does so, but then returns to just kind of staring distantly at the floor.]
[Part of him considers arguing that first point, since he's been 'assigned' the safehouse issue and chastised for complaining about it without having already come up with a solution, so he's pretty sure he's indeed supposed to be fixing everything. And that's only just one issue, let alone what he'd been doing with helping Clarke organize things, with letting Gene know he could be on call for the hospital, with the general daily work of trying to help people who've returned from the Aerie, with trying to account for problems that might happen and plan for them so that people don't get caught off guard. There's so much that has to be done.
But he doesn't say any of that, because there's no point, it's just more complaining and he's already been yelled at enough for that. So instead, when Kyna mentions the Aerie, he gives a small shrug and still doesn't look at her, but he does actually give her an answer.]
It wasn't much to talk about. I just had a relatively normal life until I started working against the system, was found out, and ended up dead. Just like at home.
[Just like he'd narrowly avoided in Hadriel, too. And, maybe in a way, like here.]
I'm brushing it off because it just... Wasn't that upsetting. Maybe it should've been, but it wasn't.
[And he means that. His experiences in the Aerie hadn't been pleasant, but they'd been... Distant, almost. And not because of the divide he can mentally make between himself here and himself in the Aerie, but because the Aerie version of himself had been so accepting. Resigned. From the moment he'd decided to use his position as a Shrike to do some semblance of good he'd known what was going to happen to him, and it had only been a matter of when and how, not if.
So being found out, ending up in the quarry, being stabbed, they were all things that version of him had accepted long ago. It wasn't that he hadn't been trying to survive the quarry long enough for the bomb to disrupt it, because he had been, but at there was still a sense of resignation that what would happen would happen.
So it just hadn't been that traumatizing, not in the way the things Lance has experienced in his world, in Hadriel, and here have been. His experiences in the Aerie hadn't made a impact that Lance feels now, at least not on their own merit. But what they had done is remind him of other things he's gone through, and that's what he truly has to deal with.]
I appreciate the concern, but this isn't something a little talking about is going to resolve.
[Because there's so many layers to it and so many intertwined, complicated connections that even thinking about them is exhausting, let alone the idea of talking about them. They'd be there for hours and probably wouldn't even begin making progress.]
[Kyna sighs, pulling her hand away and scooting back a bit.]
Alright.
[She's not sure what else to say. He seems determined not to open up to her, and he's seemed that way since they got back. She's not sure there's anything she can do about it.]
[He isn't really expecting her to accept that answer, and that she does gives him a sudden sense of relief that almost surprises him. It isn't necessarily that he doesn't want to share with her, specifically, just that he's so tired and getting into what's truly bothering him is something he can't really face right now.
So knowing that she cares, but not having to talk right now, is something that helps on its own. He's silent several seconds, letting out a long, quiet breath to try to relax a little, attempting to decide if he's going to bother gathering the energy to try to divert back into something light or he's going to allow himself to just stay in the more dim, sedate state of just existing that feels a lot more appealing.
But as usual, somewhere in the middle prevails, as he does find something he's willing to talk about at least, even if the topic is still serious and his tone comes out more soft and depressed than he intends it to.]
I don't understand why everyone assumes the worst of everything I do.
[He'd get it if he'd just arrived, or if people knew him from nothing but the network. But that isn't the case; he's been involved in almost everything, he's met so many people here, and he's done his best to not just be involved in conflict when necessary but to help with things as much as he can. And yet the moment he says anything that someone doesn't like, it's as if absolutely none of that matters, and it feels so disproportionate that it still catches him off guard every time.]
[Kyna's mouth twists a little at that, mostly because... She doesn't get it. She doesn't see what he's seeing here.]
They don't, Lance. I think the only person here who genuinely doesn't like you here is Akechi, and that's... Akechi. I've seen people disagree with you, and sometimes they're jerks about it, but there's also always people who like... Immediately jump to your defense or sing your praises. I think people are willing to defend you more than they're willing to defend most people.
Being jerks when disagreeing is what I'm talking about.
[Mostly, anyway.]
I don't care if people disagree; I mean, it's frustrating, especially since I'm not usually arguing about something I think I'm wrong about, but people are allowed to disagree. It's just that it goes into some sort of personal jab so often.
[So often that some of the insults and insinuations are ones he's been afraid might actually be true, even if he doesn't feel like they are.]
I think that's why people feel the need to step in, too.
I've been called insensitive several times, there's that instance that someone told me I 'tell people how they should handle themselves' in response to suggesting that everyone should be allowed to make their own decisions, which doesn't even make sense; I got 'stupid and irresponsible' once, was accused of purposefully creating problems that don't exist, for some reason people seem to believe I have absolutely no understanding of cause and effect and so like to tell me I don't know what I'm doing as if I'm like four, and I'm sure I could go on.
[That's just off the top of his head, without having to check back on anything, and without including anything Akechi's said since at this point it's clear he's just a jerk to everyone.]
[Kyna sighs, drumming her fingers on the back of the couch.]
I'm not like... following all the conversations you have, so I don't know what to say. A lot of people here are just kind of assholes when they disagree or they're fed up. Even people we like. It's not like we're always chill either.
[How many times has Kyna taken something personally on the network and lashed out? How many times has Lance been impatient or condescending? Almost everyone here can be an asshole in one way or another. It seems like more of a "strong personalities under stress" issue to her than a "people don't like Lance" issue.]
So I don't know. I guess either you look at it and figure out if there's a way you're talking about stuff that upsets people, or you look at it and decide people don't like you or whatever. I don't know what the... you know, correct choice is. But if you think you're upsetting people, then you change it. And if some people just don't like you, I don't get why that means you have to stop working towards whatever you want to work towards. Clarke was telling you she wanted to hear what you wanted to do instead. Isn't that all you need?
[He's silent at that for several seconds, gaze fixed somewhere between the wall and the floor again, and he's... Not sure what he expected, honestly. Not sure what he feels, either, but it's probably for the best that his emotional response is still so muted.
Finally, when he does speak up, it's almost unrelated at first but he does have a point.]
My girlfriend at home, Daisy, she um... She used to get really annoyed with me, and it took me awhile to figure out why, but it was because whenever she'd come to me with something I'd try and tell her how to fix it.
[He misses Daisy so much, but like with so many other people, it's buried so deep that if he doesn't think about it too much then he won't feel it.]
I thought that was how I could help, and in a way it was, but she didn't actually want help; if she did, she'd ask me for advice, or what to do. What she really wanted was just to know that she had a right to feel how she did.
[And that's what he wants, too. He knows how to solve this problem, he just wants to know that he isn't crazy to feel upset.]
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[He'd expected to find the line, but he hadn't expected it to be a cliff. If it had been just about him, that would've been one thing, but they'd skipped right over that.]
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[He's lost any and all interest in this at the moment, totally drained, though he does still add--]
Clarke mentioned ID scramblers exist. Even if they don't hold up to close inspection, maybe they could be used to generate a fake ID signal that wouldn't attract attention at a brief glance.
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[She reaches out to loop her fingers around his wrist, squeezing gently in lieu of taking his hand and activating the empathy bond.]
We'll figure something out, okay? You know I'm always here for you, right?
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He does manage a weak attempt at a smile, briefly looking at her when he does so, but then returns to just kind of staring distantly at the floor.]
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Hey, you know you don't have to fix everything, right? You're all over the place all the time, and we haven't really even talked about...
[She trails off awkwardly, squeezing his wrist again.]
We haven't really talked about what it was like for you in the Aerie. And I'm not saying we have to, but...
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But he doesn't say any of that, because there's no point, it's just more complaining and he's already been yelled at enough for that. So instead, when Kyna mentions the Aerie, he gives a small shrug and still doesn't look at her, but he does actually give her an answer.]
It wasn't much to talk about. I just had a relatively normal life until I started working against the system, was found out, and ended up dead. Just like at home.
[Just like he'd narrowly avoided in Hadriel, too. And, maybe in a way, like here.]
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[And he means that. His experiences in the Aerie hadn't been pleasant, but they'd been... Distant, almost. And not because of the divide he can mentally make between himself here and himself in the Aerie, but because the Aerie version of himself had been so accepting. Resigned. From the moment he'd decided to use his position as a Shrike to do some semblance of good he'd known what was going to happen to him, and it had only been a matter of when and how, not if.
So being found out, ending up in the quarry, being stabbed, they were all things that version of him had accepted long ago. It wasn't that he hadn't been trying to survive the quarry long enough for the bomb to disrupt it, because he had been, but at there was still a sense of resignation that what would happen would happen.
So it just hadn't been that traumatizing, not in the way the things Lance has experienced in his world, in Hadriel, and here have been. His experiences in the Aerie hadn't made a impact that Lance feels now, at least not on their own merit. But what they had done is remind him of other things he's gone through, and that's what he truly has to deal with.]
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Okay.
[It doesn't feel like this is a way to dodge the question, so she believes him.]
But you haven't been doing well. For a while, I mean.
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[This time he is dodging the topic, but it's also a truthful statement.]
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[She says it gently, but a little prodding.]
Right now I'm worried about you.
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[Because there's so many layers to it and so many intertwined, complicated connections that even thinking about them is exhausting, let alone the idea of talking about them. They'd be there for hours and probably wouldn't even begin making progress.]
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Alright.
[She's not sure what else to say. He seems determined not to open up to her, and he's seemed that way since they got back. She's not sure there's anything she can do about it.]
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So knowing that she cares, but not having to talk right now, is something that helps on its own. He's silent several seconds, letting out a long, quiet breath to try to relax a little, attempting to decide if he's going to bother gathering the energy to try to divert back into something light or he's going to allow himself to just stay in the more dim, sedate state of just existing that feels a lot more appealing.
But as usual, somewhere in the middle prevails, as he does find something he's willing to talk about at least, even if the topic is still serious and his tone comes out more soft and depressed than he intends it to.]
I don't understand why everyone assumes the worst of everything I do.
[He'd get it if he'd just arrived, or if people knew him from nothing but the network. But that isn't the case; he's been involved in almost everything, he's met so many people here, and he's done his best to not just be involved in conflict when necessary but to help with things as much as he can. And yet the moment he says anything that someone doesn't like, it's as if absolutely none of that matters, and it feels so disproportionate that it still catches him off guard every time.]
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They don't, Lance. I think the only person here who genuinely doesn't like you here is Akechi, and that's... Akechi. I've seen people disagree with you, and sometimes they're jerks about it, but there's also always people who like... Immediately jump to your defense or sing your praises. I think people are willing to defend you more than they're willing to defend most people.
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[Mostly, anyway.]
I don't care if people disagree; I mean, it's frustrating, especially since I'm not usually arguing about something I think I'm wrong about, but people are allowed to disagree. It's just that it goes into some sort of personal jab so often.
[So often that some of the insults and insinuations are ones he's been afraid might actually be true, even if he doesn't feel like they are.]
I think that's why people feel the need to step in, too.
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[That's just off the top of his head, without having to check back on anything, and without including anything Akechi's said since at this point it's clear he's just a jerk to everyone.]
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[But give him a second to do a mental tally.]
For those particular complaints, seven, I think.
[Though a lot of them double up, and some people like to throw in a new insult every conversation, so it feels like more.]
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I'm not like... following all the conversations you have, so I don't know what to say. A lot of people here are just kind of assholes when they disagree or they're fed up. Even people we like. It's not like we're always chill either.
[How many times has Kyna taken something personally on the network and lashed out? How many times has Lance been impatient or condescending? Almost everyone here can be an asshole in one way or another. It seems like more of a "strong personalities under stress" issue to her than a "people don't like Lance" issue.]
So I don't know. I guess either you look at it and figure out if there's a way you're talking about stuff that upsets people, or you look at it and decide people don't like you or whatever. I don't know what the... you know, correct choice is. But if you think you're upsetting people, then you change it. And if some people just don't like you, I don't get why that means you have to stop working towards whatever you want to work towards. Clarke was telling you she wanted to hear what you wanted to do instead. Isn't that all you need?
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Finally, when he does speak up, it's almost unrelated at first but he does have a point.]
My girlfriend at home, Daisy, she um... She used to get really annoyed with me, and it took me awhile to figure out why, but it was because whenever she'd come to me with something I'd try and tell her how to fix it.
[He misses Daisy so much, but like with so many other people, it's buried so deep that if he doesn't think about it too much then he won't feel it.]
I thought that was how I could help, and in a way it was, but she didn't actually want help; if she did, she'd ask me for advice, or what to do. What she really wanted was just to know that she had a right to feel how she did.
[And that's what he wants, too. He knows how to solve this problem, he just wants to know that he isn't crazy to feel upset.]
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