[They look almost as ridiculous as that phase he had where he was straightening them. But despite that deadpan response and his general dismay, he lifts a hand in a weak attempt at a wave hello.]
[He wanders over, taking the indicated seat on the couch but still maintaining a little distance more out of habit at the moment than any real intention.]
Is it like, scripted or one of those reality tv ones?
[Aka how bad does he have to be feeling for this person whose cake was knocked over?]
[He doesn't recoil, but he does tense a little at the contact even if he doesn't move away. Not that it'd be easy to tell he tensed more than he already was, though.]
There isn't a lot to tell, so if you're expecting some interesting story it's going to be disappointing.
Just before the Aerie happened, I went to check on new arrivals. The first one I met, he was just curled up sitting on the floor, and the first thing he asked was when he could leave.
[And that had been it; he couldn't ignore everything in that kid's posture, his tone, his expression. And since Lance and Ren had discussed the idea of accompanying new arrivals on walks out of the safehouse, as kind of an inbetween solution, and Lance had thought that it would be completely fine. Not only that, but it would actually have been compromising and being 'reasonable'.]
I told him the risks, and that it was his choice if he wanted to take them, but that I'd be willing to stay with him if he wanted to just take a walk or get something from a food truck or whatever. It wasn't something completely ridiculous.
[And it's so incredibly frustrating that it seems to have been considered to be.]
But I couldn't open the door, when I tried. I had to go listen to Gaby lecture me in order to get my access back so I could even leave, because apparently it's not just new arrivals who are subject to being locked in if someone else decides that's what appropriate.
I don't know. I mean, there are totally people here that I wouldn't want taking the new kids on a field trip. I don't think it's bad for someone to be in charge of knowing where they are before they have IDs, right? Just in case something happens.
[She's a little bit in the middle here. She gets why people hate the safehouse, and why there's such a push to change it, but she also gets why some people worry about making sure the new arrivals are taken care of, too.]
She revoked my access specifically, so she knew exactly who it was.
[Just saying. Not that he necessarily disagrees with the sentiment in general that maybe it shouldn't be just anyone, but asking her wouldn't have solved the issue in this case. Either it's a blanket no for anyone doing it, which is the impression he got from what Gaby had said to him, or she hates him specifically, which is understandable but also would've led to the same outcome.]
Maybe she just doesn't like you and your big mouth. Just like you don't like her.
[She says it teasingly, nudging his side and grinning.]
But who cares? Let's come up with another way to make sure the new kids are safe. We can talk to El and see... you know, exactly how the IDs and stuff are set up so we make sure it's safe. Get everyone on board, right?
[And he absolutely doesn't care, except for that it goes beyond just liking or not liking him that's at stake here. When Kyna nudges him and tries to lighten the mood, normally he'd go for it, but this time he just pulls his leg up onto the couch so he can rest his chin on his knee.]
That's what the plan was. I had talked to the new arrivals and at least one had agreed to work on coming up with something with me, and then Clarke got angry about me bringing anything up in the first place. I don't know how anyone expected me to somehow figure out how to fix all of this without ever talking to anyone about it.
You're super passionate about the stuff you believe in, right? And you're really intense about your morals. I really like that about you, but...
[She trails off, trying to figure out how to explain herself.]
You also get really, uh... Blunt? Abrasive? When you think people aren't responding the way they should. I don't think Clarke was mad you were bringing it up, I think she was mad about the way you were talking about it with the new kids. You know? And Clarke is super stubborn and blunt too, so then you guys just...
[She gestures vaguely. Feed off of each other's tone, she means.]
[This isn't as bad as he'd expected, so it's not really upsetting or anything, but he's also not super enthusiastic about the critique. Not because he thinks Kyna's wrong, necessarily--in fact he's pretty sure she's right--but because it isn't the point.]
I was making it clear to the new arrivals that I felt strongly about this, so they'd feel safe enough to voice their own concerns. Putting it more gently or hedging how I'd approached things wouldn't have given them confidence that they could speak up and trust me to validate their feelings.
[He'd handled things very purposefully, and it's a frustrating pattern that those here assume he just doesn't understand the consequences of his actions.]
Sure, but you're already pretty much a voice of authority, Lance. You set up this big guide, and you make big network posts laying out the basics and telling people that they can ask you questions. Which is good, but when you start like... feeding into people's frustration so that they don't feel alone or whatever, you're also making it sound like this place is full of uncaring assholes or something. I get that you don't like the safehouse thing, and I get that you don't like Gaby, but they've saved our asses a lot. How many of those new arrivals know that Morningstar gives us monthly stipends, or helps us find jobs? Or feeds us information about the mercenary groups, or help people during disasters?
[She doesn't sound upset or frustrated, but she has shifted a bit so she can look at him more fully. It isn't that she doesn't think he did it purposefully, it's that she still doesn't think it's the right call.]
When you make yourself the information guy who's here to guide people along, and then talk about stuff like that with so much emotion, like no one is listening to you or them and no one wants to listen, don't you think you're feeding into a bunch of scared, angry people being scared and angry, too?
I'm doing the very bare minimum to try to make things easier on people here.
[He doesn't think compiling the guide, or making posts with information, or giving people places to ask questions should constitute making him a voice of authority. Maybe, if it does, that's part of the problem.]
It isn't my responsibility to advocate for Morningstar. And I shouldn't have to put things gently and politely so that people don't get their feelings hurt, especially when the issue itself is a matter of caring about what new arrivals are going through. Sometimes emotion is a necessary part of making things change.
[And he wants to add that part of the reason he hasn't been open about being a psychologist here is that he doesn't want to have to be in that role. He doesn't want to have to be perfectly neutral and placid and patiently validate everyone, especially not when he thinks they're morally in the wrong and won't even consider the possibility that they are. It's exhausting and he'd wanted to have the chance to do something different, although as it turns out this alternative is just as exhausting in other ways.]
But people do care about what the new arrivals are going through. My first night here, Stephen was walking around the safehouse checking on people. And every two weeks, people are bringing food and clothes and stuff, or staying just so people there don't feel alone, or... you know. And I've seen a lot of people say that they want to change the safehouse thing. You kind of made it sound like you're the only one who wants to. Whenever I see you talk about it on the network, there are people who jump in to talk about it with you, like Ren or Sam. I don't even think Clarke is against it, really. She's just... you know. Clarke. She's always obsessing over plans and logistics.
[Maybe it's that Kyna has the benefit of working with Stephen and Clarke every day at Red Wings, but she doesn't think of them as particularly uncaring. Maybe just not very... warm and cuddly.]
[He has arguments for that, some stronger than others, but as he begins to formulate them he changes his mind. What little desire he had to debate this any further is gone, not because of anything she specifically said, he's just so tired of it.
Besides--]
It doesn't matter anyway. I don't think it's something I'm going to be continuing to do anything with.
Because if Gaby decides she doesn't like how I'm going about it, she said she'll pull all support from all the Displaced, and I don't care to risk that.
[He'd expected to find the line, but he hadn't expected it to be a cliff. If it had been just about him, that would've been one thing, but they'd skipped right over that.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Your curls are all sad and droopy.
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[They look almost as ridiculous as that phase he had where he was straightening them. But despite that deadpan response and his general dismay, he lifts a hand in a weak attempt at a wave hello.]
What are you watching?
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Some dumb cooking show. This lady just knocked over another woman's cake. It's super dramatic.
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Is it like, scripted or one of those reality tv ones?
[Aka how bad does he have to be feeling for this person whose cake was knocked over?]
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[She says, making air quotes, then scoots over to press her shoulder into his.]
Are you gonna spill?
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There isn't a lot to tell, so if you're expecting some interesting story it's going to be disappointing.
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[And that had been it; he couldn't ignore everything in that kid's posture, his tone, his expression. And since Lance and Ren had discussed the idea of accompanying new arrivals on walks out of the safehouse, as kind of an inbetween solution, and Lance had thought that it would be completely fine. Not only that, but it would actually have been compromising and being 'reasonable'.]
I told him the risks, and that it was his choice if he wanted to take them, but that I'd be willing to stay with him if he wanted to just take a walk or get something from a food truck or whatever. It wasn't something completely ridiculous.
[And it's so incredibly frustrating that it seems to have been considered to be.]
But I couldn't open the door, when I tried. I had to go listen to Gaby lecture me in order to get my access back so I could even leave, because apparently it's not just new arrivals who are subject to being locked in if someone else decides that's what appropriate.
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Did you give Gaby a heads up first? She's like, the safehouse security person, right? I think we asked her to do that.
[Well—]
I mean, not us, but, you know. A bunch of the Displaced.
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[He doesn't make air quotes, but his tone clearly indicates 'allowed' should have them.]
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I don't know. I mean, there are totally people here that I wouldn't want taking the new kids on a field trip. I don't think it's bad for someone to be in charge of knowing where they are before they have IDs, right? Just in case something happens.
[She's a little bit in the middle here. She gets why people hate the safehouse, and why there's such a push to change it, but she also gets why some people worry about making sure the new arrivals are taken care of, too.]
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[Just saying. Not that he necessarily disagrees with the sentiment in general that maybe it shouldn't be just anyone, but asking her wouldn't have solved the issue in this case. Either it's a blanket no for anyone doing it, which is the impression he got from what Gaby had said to him, or she hates him specifically, which is understandable but also would've led to the same outcome.]
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[She says it teasingly, nudging his side and grinning.]
But who cares? Let's come up with another way to make sure the new kids are safe. We can talk to El and see... you know, exactly how the IDs and stuff are set up so we make sure it's safe. Get everyone on board, right?
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[And he absolutely doesn't care, except for that it goes beyond just liking or not liking him that's at stake here. When Kyna nudges him and tries to lighten the mood, normally he'd go for it, but this time he just pulls his leg up onto the couch so he can rest his chin on his knee.]
That's what the plan was. I had talked to the new arrivals and at least one had agreed to work on coming up with something with me, and then Clarke got angry about me bringing anything up in the first place. I don't know how anyone expected me to somehow figure out how to fix all of this without ever talking to anyone about it.
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You know I love you, right?
[Because this is where she's going to disagree.]
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[He doesn't look at her when he says it, and doesn't have any real tone to his voice either. It's just a statement.]
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[He definitely caught her.]
You're super passionate about the stuff you believe in, right? And you're really intense about your morals. I really like that about you, but...
[She trails off, trying to figure out how to explain herself.]
You also get really, uh... Blunt? Abrasive? When you think people aren't responding the way they should. I don't think Clarke was mad you were bringing it up, I think she was mad about the way you were talking about it with the new kids. You know? And Clarke is super stubborn and blunt too, so then you guys just...
[She gestures vaguely. Feed off of each other's tone, she means.]
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I was making it clear to the new arrivals that I felt strongly about this, so they'd feel safe enough to voice their own concerns. Putting it more gently or hedging how I'd approached things wouldn't have given them confidence that they could speak up and trust me to validate their feelings.
[He'd handled things very purposefully, and it's a frustrating pattern that those here assume he just doesn't understand the consequences of his actions.]
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[She doesn't sound upset or frustrated, but she has shifted a bit so she can look at him more fully. It isn't that she doesn't think he did it purposefully, it's that she still doesn't think it's the right call.]
When you make yourself the information guy who's here to guide people along, and then talk about stuff like that with so much emotion, like no one is listening to you or them and no one wants to listen, don't you think you're feeding into a bunch of scared, angry people being scared and angry, too?
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[He doesn't think compiling the guide, or making posts with information, or giving people places to ask questions should constitute making him a voice of authority. Maybe, if it does, that's part of the problem.]
It isn't my responsibility to advocate for Morningstar. And I shouldn't have to put things gently and politely so that people don't get their feelings hurt, especially when the issue itself is a matter of caring about what new arrivals are going through. Sometimes emotion is a necessary part of making things change.
[And he wants to add that part of the reason he hasn't been open about being a psychologist here is that he doesn't want to have to be in that role. He doesn't want to have to be perfectly neutral and placid and patiently validate everyone, especially not when he thinks they're morally in the wrong and won't even consider the possibility that they are. It's exhausting and he'd wanted to have the chance to do something different, although as it turns out this alternative is just as exhausting in other ways.]
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[Maybe it's that Kyna has the benefit of working with Stephen and Clarke every day at Red Wings, but she doesn't think of them as particularly uncaring. Maybe just not very... warm and cuddly.]
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Besides--]
It doesn't matter anyway. I don't think it's something I'm going to be continuing to do anything with.
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[He'd expected to find the line, but he hadn't expected it to be a cliff. If it had been just about him, that would've been one thing, but they'd skipped right over that.]
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