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[evocation]

@kyna.medina | ■ ▲ ◌ ▼

Comments

[evocation]

1. are you basing all of this off of the version of sam you knew in the aerie?

2. saying he's going to fall in love with me is a huge leap

3. just because he thinks i'm hot and likes being around me doesn't mean he wants to date me
we had sex and we're best friends and i don't see you asking me to dinner

4. did you even talk to him before you talked to me?

[wittingly]

1. Nope, that just helped me understand him a little better

2. I'm saying he could, the potential is there

3. You keep saying date like it's gotta be this black and white thing, you can be with somebody without ever using the D word
We have dinner all the time, but there's a subtle difference

4. Hell no, no way. I'm not playing messenger or anything, I'm just pointing it out.

And also

still super curious about your feelings banyna

[evocation]

3. what does that even mean?

and i don't know
i haven't sat down and quizzed myself

[wittingly]

what I mean is

sometimes you don't have to put a label on something and confine it to a box, you don't have to have these rigid structures and definitions

two people can feel the same thing and enjoy spending time together and enjoy having sex with each other and have a mutual understanding that they care for one another, and that's enough, it doesn't have to be more complicated than that, not for a long while, not until (or if) it feels right

like

you don't have to update your facebook status to 'in a relationship' and require a nightly check-in and call each other boyfriend girlfriend and live under the constant ticking time clock of relationship milestones, like oh we've been dating for six months time to move in together, we've been together two years time to get married

it doesn't really have to be like that

you just kind of have to ask yourself

do you enjoy spending time with them
do you want to have sex with them
do you feel that Thing that differentiates romantic from platonic

and if so
there you go






also I'm like super duper sure you'd freak out if he used the D word on you too, or the term Dating came up at all, so just
ignore it entirely and go with the flow for a while

[evocation]

that's not even what i mean
that's not what freaks me out

btw
you have just as many hang ups as me
why are you suddenly acting like you don't?

[wittingly]

I've literally been a hypocrite from the first day we ever spoke idk why this surprises you

[evocation]

i hate you

look
let's say hypothetically that sam has a huge crush on me and wants to be with me or whatever and doesn't just want some friends with benefits thing
and let's say i figured out i wanted that too
that thing in the aerie was literally the only time i've had a relationship where someone didn't decide i was too much work or i didn't fuck something up
and that took me and him living like
completely different lives
i don't even think it counts

and maybe it would bug me if whoever i was with wouldn't admit we were a thing
d word or not
i'm always like
half expecting people to leave
even you sometimes
the aerie was the first time i didn't
don't you think being with someone who refused to call me his girlfriend would make that worse?

[wittingly]

So maybe you DO call each other that, I don't know, compromise, he'll call you whatever you want if you're naked.

That's a joke.

Look, I'm not trying to give you the law for exactly what'll work best for you guys. But I really think if you both wanted to give it a shot you'd figure it out. You should talk about it. If that's something you're interested in.

I completely understand your worry, man. The aerie was my only functional relationship too, and this shit is scary, but

I don't think he's gonna leave your life if it doesn't work out and you decide to cut that part off. I didn't. Fuck, we've got like two lifetimes of proof now, plus a tattoo. Sort of balancing the scales a little at a time.

[evocation]

balancing the scales how?
and why are you so
idk
invested in this?
it scares the shit out of me

[wittingly]

You know, being somebody you can't shake out of your life even if you tried really really hard and got a crowbar.

I don't know
I'm not really vying for it or anything, I just
Know how good it can be, and I want you to have that if you want it
It's less about Sam specifically and more about you
Seems like you could have something so
I don't want you to miss out

[evocation]

i care about him a lot and i don't want that to get fucked up
i haven't really thought of anything else besides that

[wittingly]

okay
well
fair enough

at least you know now, something to think about

[evocation]

but you said you haven't talked to him about this
how do you even know?

[wittingly]

It's one of those things that isn't hard to see when you're an objective observer

Just the way he talks about you, the way he acts, how he worries, and the aerie did give me a pretty solid idea of who he is as a person even outside of this context

I know it's not the same life, but
I'm pretty much the same as I was there
You're pretty much the same
I think you can understand somebody based on who they were there, at least a decent amount

plus

I'm starting to figure out that if you were already something before the aerie, being something in the aerie means more than like if you were strangers, you know what I mean?

For example, I don't think you and Other Sam knew each other that well before, so coming back here it's just kind of jarring, there's no foundation that already exists in this life. But me and you were like family, and you were already my best friend in this iteration, so it's

I don't know, it's easier for that shit to compound

[evocation]

yeah, but he was obsessed with nate in the aerie
like, nate was his whole life
my relationship with him was
worse?
he was way more distant with me there than he is here
and the reason i went to him to freak out is because i didn't think it would bother him the same way it would bother like
you
or roy or the other sam

[But wait.]

when was he worrying about me?

[wittingly]

I was there with him when you died
He definitely cared, even if you guys weren't as close
We actually kind of got into a fight
Which was mostly my fault, I didn't react very well

[evocation]

oh
he didn't tell me about that
what kind of fight?

[wittingly]

A stupid one where I like lost my shit on him and he served it right back at me
It really wasn't my best moment

[evocation]

i'm sorry
i didn't know

[wittingly]

it's okay
to be honest I'm narcissistic enough that I've always wanted to know how my own funeral would go after I died, you know?
so take it as a compliment if you want

[evocation]

that you guys freaked out, you mean?

[wittingly]

Yep
Exactly

[evocation]

i think that just kind of makes me feel worse
i didn't want you guys to go through that

[wittingly]

It was definitely fucking awful, but if you don't laugh you cry
something about silver linings
I don't know, I cope with trauma using humor, accept me.

[evocation]

no
btw
since we're talking about this
did you and nate have a thing before the aerie?